Friday, June 04, 2010

It Ends Here

So, despite everything I've done:
  • nursing every two hours
  • pumping after every nursing session
  • taking fenugreek, blessed thistle, lecithin, brewer's yeast, mother's milk tea
  • eating oatmeal in every form imaginable
  • implemented breast compression
  • tried every baby hold on to get him to latch
Nothing. Absolutely nothing. My milk diminishes every day despite everything I've done and I am so over it now. Formula is so (insert expletive here) expensive and inadequate, it's killing me to have to go to it. I have two other boys that I haven't been as there for because all I do is THIS in an attempt to find success in breast feeding, who need me. I have stress up to my eyeballs, financially thanks to the IRS and stupid mistakes I made with credit cards. I just can't deal with it anymore.

To top it all off, I started thinking about how much I prayed and had faith that God had His hand in our lives and was steering us in the right direction. Yet, with all the prayer and trying to do what He wanted, I see, we don't have anything. Our life wouldn't be any different, if I hadn't wasted all those tears and hours, every day praying for God to just show us the way and see to maybe throwing us a bone from time to time. Well, what has that gotten me? False hope. I feel like a fool in front of my husband, because for so long, I would tell him, "Well, God has something better. That's why that didn't work out. Let's just shake off the disappointment and keep praying and following Him." To what? Nothing. Nothing better has ever come. We've come within touching distance of a dream we had spent years praying for, it looks like God's hand has been in everything leading up to the final moment.... and it is snatched away. Feels like a great cosmic punk. So, I had a talk, with whatever entity we were swearing fealty to for so long (if there even IS one) and told him, her, or it that I was done. Out. I have officially had my fill of God. What has He done for me? Was there any response? No. Was I surprised? I guess I was hoping that finally, I would hear that audible voice telling me that it would all be okay and to not be troubled. But no. Silence. That was my answer. Either there is nothing up there to respond, or the great spirit in the sky could care less.

Let's recount... I was diagnosed with type I diabetes. I prayed, throwing myself on the alter night after night at church, begging for God to heal me. Nothing. Then, with my marriage came dealing with the ugly IRS who now, is perched, about to take everything from us. My first born was ill and created this ugly strife between me and some family who stomped the crap out of my self esteem and joy despite how hard I worked (with all my kids) to ensure his health. My second child is diagnosed with type I diabetes at three years old. We move, thinking we are following God's will for where he wanted us. It seems like a blessing, then when we are about to buy a house, the IRS jumps up and slaps our credit into oblivion (I don't think it is repairable now). No house. The money quickly dwindles away. We have been trying to sell our property for years, and get to the point where we are about to sign and have money in our hands, and the buyer drops the deal. My third son, gets reflux and refuses to nurse. Refuses me completely. I feel dejected and abandoned. I have prayed my last prayer. I pray and pray and spout faith and keep turning to Him, and I get nothing. Something, anything, no matter how small, HAS to happen for us. Something finally good. Right? Right.

So, my faith, along with my milk has officially dried up. I just do not have the emotional capacity for it anymore. It would have to be a big sign at this point, to make me believe, that all that time was worth it. That someone out there really does have the best of intentions for us. At the moment, I think everything we actually did receive, was only due to our sweat and tears. Not prayer. Hey, maybe some time will go by and I will see a sign and realize I was wrong. Then again, pigs may fly. If I am struck down by lightning now, I can only imagine it to be the most extreme coincidence ever.

1 comment:

Charlene said...

Take your big boys and your baby out and go for a walk. Watch the boys play, interact with them, talk about their weeks, smell the roses, eat some (sugar free) ice cream. Spend 2 hours not worrying about the IRS, not worrying about the baby that won't breastfeed or the diabetes or the bills. Life is hard...and you've had a lot of difficult times but you have a beautiful family and you will always have that no matter what. Take comfort in that. You're a strong and beautiful person. This too shall pass.

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