Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Finally Speaking Out

I am discussing something, that I never thought I would. Something that happened a long time ago, but has affected my entire life. This isn't for sympathy, or a perverse need for attention. I'm speaking out for the many who may have their own story, swept under the rug, ignored, or invalidated.

I was 5 years old. My memory is shaky of that time spent with another family. I remember it in bursts. If I try to remember what that time was like, I will get flashes, and then blank spots.

The kids were a little older than me and my brother. The daughter was 7 years old (I'll call her "T" from here on out). I looked up to her. She was fun and wild. I don't remember a lot about the mother. I remember her being around, but not as much as the father. He was very different from my dad. He was very affectionate. He liked to hug a lot. Especially T.

I remember going to the grocery store with their family and their mom went inside while we stayed in the car. He got out and got us gum from the gum machine outside the store. We were trying to blow bubbles, and they were playing a game I had never played before. We were suppose to pass the gum back and forth to each other, with our mouths. I watched them, T, her dad and her brother, play this game with a sort of uncomfortable fascination. Then, her father asked me if I wanted to play too. I felt weird, and embarrassed and said no. T kept wanting me to play, even grabbing my face and pressing her lips against mine to try and get me to play and I pulled away. Her father laughed and said, that I was missing out. Then he and T put their mouths together and I now know what was happening was french kissing, until he pulled away with her gum and showed us by sticking his tongue out at us with the gum perched on the end.

I remember one of the nights she spent the night. We played a game where, I would pose and she would take my picture. Like we were models. Then, she would tell me to pull up my night dress, so she could take pictures of my underwear. She taught me how to pose "sexy". Which at age 5, is kind of a mystery. It involved putting my hand on my hip, sticking my hip out, and opening my mouth, "So I can see your tongue." she would say. She would then pose for me pretending to take her picture. Some of the poses she made, were embarrassing, but I played along. Then, it was time for bed, and things would get very confusing.

She would tell me that her father told her to take her underwear off and put it under her pillow and "wait for him". So, she would do that, and tell me to do the same. Then she would proceed to do things to me. Stuff her father did to her. I remember her being surprised that my dad didn't do that to me too. This sort of ritual was repeated at a slumber party where we stayed with a mutual friend and two other girls. Only, some of the things done, I remember now, were more disturbing.

My parents didn't know. How could they? It was a different time then, and it wasn't done in the open. She nor her father were careless. I know, if my parents had known, they would have swiftly protected me and done everything to save T and any future victims from her father. But at 5 years old, I didn't know how to say what happened. I didn't know I needed to tell. T tried at one point, but her mother didn't react well and she was forever silenced.

How did all this affect my life? Well, I struggled with nightmares, that I sometimes still have today. Not very often, but when I am struggling spiritually, they come. I look back and realize how provocative I was at a young age. I acted out once on another child when I was 7 years old. Something I'm ashamed of still. As I got older, I put myself in dangerous situations with older men. I would do things for their attention that I am ashamed of. I don't think some of the things I did, would have happened, if I hadn't been sexualized at a young age. Any time the news reports, yet another repeat offending pedophile, adding another victim to the list of children they raped/molested, I feel sick. I want to kill anyone who has violated a child. Not all victims become perpetrators, but acting out is very common. So I struggle with being suspicious of the intent of children. I am overly protective sometimes of my kids, I'm sure. But if anyone were to harm my kids like that, I can promise you that they would pay dearly and I am willing to do time for getting them justice.

It doesn't matter how old the perpetrator is. It doesn't matter what gender they were. We have no right to quantify the extent of trauma based on some predetermined guidelines. When you are sexually exploited, it IS abuse! Do NOT ever discount, rationalize or diminish a child's claim of abuse. This holds true, for the countless adults who are living with memories of abuse. The extent of the abuse is not what makes it valid. If it happened at all, IT MATTERS.

Now, I have to recognize, that while I am not "better", a lot of the bad feelings have lightened and that is because of my relationship with Jesus Christ. It's a process. When the nightmares come, or I feel panicky over a memory or trigger, I pray for His protection. For healing and grace. I am a work in progress and I have bad days. However, when I sing hymns and talk to Him, I feel at peace again and for a time, I find freedom. If you struggle with memories of abuse, you are not alone and there is freedom from the pain and heartache. Call on Jesus. Ask Him to come into your heart and take away the darkness. You will begin a healing that no doctor, fling, pill or drink can cure.

For More Information:
What Is Child On Child Sexual Abuse?
"... more than one-third of the sexual abuse of America's children is committed by other minors."
-- 2012 crime statistics

Tuesday, May 07, 2013

The Rapid Decline of A Once Great Nation

I have held off putting out my opinion on the Gosnell trials. It was hard to read the transcripts. Not just because there was so little media coverage and finding anything was a matter of hunting for key words found in obscure regions of the internet. It was because it was jaw dropping and heart rending to read of the horror visited on not just the desperate and ill cared for mothers, but their innocent offspring.

I wasn't surprised, but still sickened to find out that the local "legal" clinics referred patients to Gosnell when they knew they were passed the "legal" term for killing their young (past 23 weeks). Planned Parenthood, knew of Gosnell and his reckless disregard for women's health and their well being. As far back as 1972, Gosnell partnered with Harvey Karman to create a medieval torture device, devised to shred a baby inside the womb. This was done with the blessing of Planned Parenthood. Shortly after giving the nod to Karman and Gosnell the Mother's Day Massacre occurred. If you asked Planned Parenthood about this, they will probably feign ignorance, so here is the short version:
A young Philadelphia doctor “offered to perform abortions on 15 poor women who were bused to his clinic from Chicago on Mother’s Day 1972, in their second trimester of pregnancy.” The women didn’t know that the doctor “planned to use an experimental device called a ‘super coil’ developed by a California man named Harvey Karman.
A colleague of Karman’s Philadelphia collaborator described the contraption as “basically plastic razors that were formed into a ball. . . . They were coated into a gel, so that they would remain closed. These would be inserted into the woman’s uterus. And after several hours of body temperature, . . . the gel would melt and these . . . things would spring open, supposedly cutting up the fetus.”
Nine of the 15 Chicago women suffered serious complications. One of them needed a hysterectomy. The following year, the Supreme Court decided Roe v. Wade. It would be 37 more years before the Philadelphia doctor who carried out the Mother’s Day Massacre would go out of business. His name is Kermit Gosnell.
 Planned Parenthood knew about the conditions in Gosnell's House of Horrors, but chose to do nothing. Why? Because they didn't want to admit that the practice of killing children in (and out of) the womb was common, and the health and safety of women, was not of concern. You see, it is far more important to maintain an image, than it is to protect women who are in a vulnerable position. Further, I charge PP with being more interested in their bottom line. I wonder if they collected a referral fee for sending women to Gosnell that they knew they legally couldn't perform abortions on? I'll go further, and tell you that PP as well as most of the abortion clinics out there, make a lot of money SELLING BABY PARTS to industries that use them in cosmetics and research.

I am tired of hearing feminazis chant that abortion is a women's rights issue. I am tired of our president claiming his goal is to keep abortions safe, legal and rare when they are anything but. Margaret Sanger must be kicking up her heels in hell, knowing her plan to use abortion/contraception as a way to cull the races and ethnically cleanse the world is being championed by a black man and many in high positions of authority. I am tired of pro-aborts, ignoring facts and statistics. This nation's ground is soaked with the blood of innocents and that will not go unpunished. We lost our blessing a long time ago, and it would appear, it is all downhill from here.
I'll leave you with this final image/thought. Because I don't think anyone realizes that this was all going to go down. The downfall of this earth began with the first disobedient act in the garden. Satan whispers in the ears of our leaders, and compels them to endorse and stump for sinful, evil and wicked acts. We need to be on our knees in prayer daily, and we need to be out in the streets, calling out those who practice their evil in darkened clinics. We must intervene for women who are confused, and most likely, pressured and coerced to kill their babies. The wanton murder of innocence must end, or our world, will end.

Friday, April 19, 2013

After: My First Five Minute Friday Entry

It is time for the Five Minute Friday Flash Mob of writers. Every Thursday night until Midnight Eastern time a group of women gather, waiting for a prompt for the week. They never know what the  prompt will be, but thru Twitter they encourage and uplift each other and then they write!
Thank you for being here for my first Five Minute Friday!
Now, my words on:

I struggled for a long time with a feeling of never belonging and always feeling, outside. I was frustrated and alone and would lash out at people who loved me, and then feel sorrow and more alone.  I didn't realize that after a life altering event when you are a child, there can be such a wound, that it takes surrendering to Jesus to let it go. For decades, I carried it around like a heavy burden that I just couldn't let go of. Most of the time, I didn't notice that it hung around my neck and pulled me down. Not until something triggered a repressed memory and I would feel a flash of anger and pain. Like a wounded animal, I would blindly attack anyone close to me.

Then, I found myself surrounded by people who continually lifted me up. I would unload all the ugliness I had held inside and they would pray for me, the most loving words. I finally had the courage to face that I had been molested as a child. That this pain had fueled a rage in me that kept the hurt from healing. I wept, and took my sorrow, guilt and shame to Jesus, and then, I felt lightness.

Now, I fight for others to find this freedom. I seek out the lost and wounded and tell them, there is a way to find peace. I feel a thrill, an exhilaration of hope when I tell them, my burden is gone! When I see their eyes begin to have a distant twinkle of hope, I know they are beginning their journey to freedom. I thank the Lord for guiding me to women who prayed fervently for me when I was in my darkest place. I praise God for His healing and grace and look forward to the day, after the weariness of this world, when there will be no more sorrow or pain.  


Before I go, the first FMF post I read, was from Gracie Biskie and her lovely poem After. 

A quick look at the guidelines from the gypsy mama - Lisa Jo Baker who is also the ringleader!
5-minute-friday-11. Write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking.
2. Link back here and invite others to join in.
3. And then absolutely, you need to visit the person who linked up before you & encourage them in their comments. Seriously. That is, like, the rule. And the fun. And the heart of this community..

Also, if you would turn off comment verification, it would make leaving some love on your post that much easier for folks!

Thursday, April 04, 2013

Who Is My Jesus?...

You ask, "Who is this Jesus you speak of?" and I can't help but smile and feel a joy bubble up inside me. That question is a loaded one because there really isn't a simple answer. He is so much that words can fail, and yet spill out all at the same time. I've found some tools to help me, so let's explore this shall we?

Even when you think you know Him, but you feel something is missing. You've been raised in the church, but never given your own salvation much thought. Maybe you say, "I'm a Christian, but something is missing..." It's okay. It happens to the best of us. Because it's personal. He comes to us and waits for us to invite Him into our lives. 

Maybe you think you're too far gone. Oh nothing could be further from the truth. He is always there, waiting for you to give up on this dead end life, trying to do it all on your own. He is waiting for you to turn to Him and say, "Help me." He loves us so much, he laid his life down and died for us in the most horrific fashion. He did this knowing us before we were even a whisper on the wind. Centuries before our first ancestors came together to form a family, He knew our names and was ready to reveal Himself to us when we were ready to turn from our sinful lives and ask Him in.

What are you waiting for? Don't you want to be a part of this amazing plan He has for us? You see, the body that we trudge through this life in. This feeble, often broken, failing shell that we shamble through our days in, is not who we really are. Inside, we are a soul. When this life is over, our soul goes back to where it belongs. We belong in heaven! A place beyond the scope of our imaginations. If you think it cannot get better than this, you are wrong and there are no words to describe the amazing life in store for us. You see, our Father in heaven has prepared a place for us to live. To get there, Jesus extended an invitation to us. We will get a new body and will live forever in a paradise beyond description. But we have to have a personal relationship with Jesus. We have to ask Him to guide us. Turn our lives away from the sins of this earth. The easy road that is paved with temporary pleasures that will never satisfy, and trust in Jesus. Can you do that? Just try it! Ask Jesus to help you see Him in your life. Ask Him to reveal Himself to you. You won't be disappointed. I promise!

If you don't know where to start this journey, start watching these videos and find out who Jesus is and what you have to look forward to.
(more at

If you're still interested, there are eight more videos to this amazing series. For the webpage to the series, click here:

There are more amazing videos, as I mentioned before and the church streams live it's church services. Wherever you are, find out when and you could view the service in real time (if it's not too late or early for you).

Sunday, March 31, 2013

Equality For Whom?

I've been seeing people all over Twitter and Facebook, showing their support for gay marriage by posting the red equal sign. I am going to post two feet. The feet represent the millions who never get to breathe the air of this world. Who never feel love let alone get married. Those who never have the chance to have children or go to school or do anything many gays are afforded the privilege to do. They are never given this chance because a human decides that their life is unimportant because of a defect or being an inopportune time for the person who conceived them. This is for the millions of children aborted yearly. Talk about rights being denied.

So I don't want to hear anymore crying for things you cannot afford or force people to give you through executive and congressional orders. I don't want to hear about how the government should recognize your union. You know why? Because you can survive without that, or get by on a reasonable facsimile. Because in the end, the greatest tragedy never recognized by the spoiled, self centered brats of this country, is that MILLIONS are DENIED the RIGHT to LIFE!!! Is anyone systematically murdering you because you are an inconvenience to them or you aren't perfect in their eyes? No?


If you are going to make your fight for whatever, valid with me, you better give equal time, fighting for the right for innocents to live.

That is all.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Can Good Friday and Easter Rock? Yes!

I am super stoked for both Good Friday and Easter this year. Why? Because we have the most dynamic pastor ever! Listening to him speak brings the word alive. He speaks with an energy, enthusiasm and emotion that is evidence of his trust and absolute belief in what he is speaking. There have been numerous times when I have felt God's presence and the Holy Spirit when he is delivering his message. So, to hear him speak for Good Friday and Easter Service is going to be even more exciting because it is always an outreach to the lost. There is more fervor and passion when winning souls. It fires me up to continue to witness and try to get people into the church.

Now, why are these two events going to rock? Thousand Foot Krutch is going to be headlining the Good Friday event and Phil Wickham will be there for Easter. Amazing artists that will deliver powerful performances. I can't wait! If you are local, come! You will not be disappointed, and who can pass up a free concert??? If you aren't local, you can join us live (the events will be archived later as well) online. Good Friday will be through the Skull Church website and Easter through the Fresh Life Church website. Do NOT miss this!

Watch this promo to see what you are looking forward to!...

Friday, March 15, 2013

Passover: Celebrating With God's People

As a Christian, who holds God's people deeply in my heart, I have always stood in support of Israel. Anyone with any reading skills, knows that history supports Israel as well. Only those who are blind, deaf and dumb, either physically, spiritually or politically (or all three at once), would argue against the fact that Israel is a peaceful nation, who gives an open and accepting place to live for people who would otherwise be shunned (at the least), or outright murdered for their beliefs or desire for basic freedoms. I am always shocked and utterly confused by Hollywood's staunch support of the Palestinian conflict and terrorist activities when all of Hollywood would be put to the sword for their lifestyles and beliefs... heck, just for the clothes they wear (women).

All that aside, I have grown to love the Hebrew people more and more. My heart goes out to them, for all they have had to endure, and continue to in this time, when there shouldn't be such ugliness for one reason only: Being Jewish.

Well, this year, I am going to attempt to celebrate Passover with my family. I am working out my shopping list for the seder meal and have already discussed the meaning behind much of the symbolism with my children, who are eager to take part. One cute thing worth mentioning... We have the board game Risk, and my children like to take it out, and surround Israel with defending troops and block them from their enemies.

So, I searched online for anything that would help me understand better, the beautiful ritual and how to perform it with reverence. I found the following websites VERY helpful and I think I'll be able to pull it off:

What Is A Seder?

I cannot afford it this year, but perhaps I will be able to save up and have a special Passover set so that we can do this again (in style) the following year. If you are interested, I found some beautiful pieces and an entire set here: Jews For Jesus Store - Everything you need for the Passover

I have made matzo ball soup, and have posted the recipe on this blog (Meichel for the Beichel). I know I'll be making that for the dinner as well. I'm excited to do this and truly will speak with hope in my heart, at the end of the meal, "Next year in Israel!" and be praying for the new Jerusalem to come quickly!

Sunday, March 03, 2013

Baby #3 No Longer A Baby...

"Lookit mah button!"
My feisty and independent little ham, Lachlan, turns 3 years old today. He is a challenging little sprite who is mischievous and wild, but a total sweetheart who loves his dog (and she loves him like her own puppy) and keeps me on my toes.

"Zoom Zoom!"
He loves constructions rigs. Specifically "diggers" and dump trucks. He loves trains, especially the train table at the Kalispell Library. He is a daddy's boy all the way and will happily spend hours tinkering around with daddy at the shop. His eyes light up when he hears the 4wheeler start up and he squeals with abandon when riding with daddy.

His brothers adore him, though not when he destroys their lego creations. They sneak him treats, take him on adventures outside, and cuddle with him during movies. Lachlan and Russell (1st born) have a special connection. He has thrown himself between Russell and Connor (2nd born) when they've fought and cries, "Don't hit my Susso!!"

Unimpressed with the Interloper
Lachlan, initially unsure of the new baby, has just begun to bond with Brennen, and will bring him toys, and retrieve his pacifier when it is dropped (Mom! Brennen's nuk!). He was tickled to realize Brennen is a boy, while supervising a diaper change: "Mom, look! Brennen has a baby peepee!" then laughs maniacally.

My third son, who was a joy to bring into this world, and has been so fun to watch grow and become a silly upstart of a little boy. With all your endearing quirks and zeal for life, I am so blessed to be your mother and thank God for your precious soul! On this happy anniversary of the day you were born... Today, we salute you!

Happy Birthday Lachlan!

Sunday, February 24, 2013

Bringing Baby Earthside

Here are some pictures from the birth that one of the nurse's took for us. They're surreal to look at. I wanted a natural birth, but because of some scary medical stuff, an emergency c-section was required. Still, it was the best it could be. The staff were so amazing. I feel blessed to have been able to deliver at North Valley Hospital in Whitefish, MT.

So, here they are, in order...
Under the knife!

He came out, eyes wide open.

Cutting the cord.

Squalling for momma.

He was so calm in daddy's arms.

As with all my babies, they are tear inducing, beautiful to see.

It has been a struggle, but with so many joys, to soften the difficulties. He needed oxygen, and glucose because his blood sugars wouldn't maintain. He showed signs of an unidentified infection, but he was strong and we only had to stay for about 2 weeks.

His older brothers visited him and were so protective and loving from the get go (Lachlan was too little, but saw him when he was in my room to nurse).
At just a week, we got to take pictures. Here is just one from a series of lovely pictures taken at the hospital, by Lot 22...

He has been so fun to watch grow. He loves our dog Cocoa and she loves him back. Connor is the one he practically leaps to now, because he makes him giggle. Chloe loves him too, but only when he's sleeping and can't pull her fur.

Lachlan wasn't too impressed with Brennen, who showed he had spunk and a bit of humor from the very start. They get along a little better, though Lachlan still gets possessive of daddy from time to time.

He is such a smiley baby!

Cute as a button!

 I am blessed with four sons, and this last one, I am soaking up all the babyness of him! God took care of us when my medical issues threatened to be overwhelming. I thank Him for all my blessings, big and small.

Past Musings You Might Ponder

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