The Season Is Upon Us! (Gird your loins!)

I am off and on going through spasms of the nesting phase. As in tearing the entire classroom apart and being up until 4am putting it back together. I've rearrange/reorganized and luckily got my kids to assist in getting both their rooms in order. Their bathroom is less... boy (read: sticky, dirty, and unhygienic). The floors have been swept and mopped after patiently waiting for the chaos of tree placement was through. Oh, and I have to mention, that for men, there seems to be a need to buy a tree that fills the living room. So, being as we have 11ft vaulted ceilings, that meant we HAD to have a 10 1/2ft tree. *sigh*

You would think, wow that's a lot! Put your feet up and take a load off! Uhm, much as I would like to, I just can't. Because the laundry that is currently in organized piles overtaking my bedroom has to be finished while simultaneously continuing to pile up in the dirty section to be done. Which reminds me, my room. Uhg. It neeeeds to be cleaned. As does our bathroom (halfway there!). Also, the kitchen is a disaster. All the while I am trying to keep up with lessons (homeschool, I know: crazy), and was mad enough to sign the kids up for two hour art classes (Santa's Workshop at the Stumptown Art Studio). Which is great but sucks out about 3hrs of day time I could get other things done.

My husband's family will be arriving Saturday, which is fantastic, but so much pressure to get my house in order and find peace amidst the chaos. Pregnancy cravings, being simultaneously tired and suffering from insomnia haven't helped me attain peace of mind either.

So, this is why the long absence, though I hope to get a few postings in with pictures, more than I have lately. Tell me... how do other moms do it? And by that I mean, do it without all their hair falling or being pulled out? How do you not end up baying at the moon and rending your clothes? Gah! It's 4am again! Zombie school will be in session in a few hours. Class? Behave! Raise your hands so I can nibble on them... muhahahahaaa... oh goodness I need sleep!

The Agony and Ecstacy of Motherhood

When my husband and I decided it was time to start a family, we were so sweetly naive. I think you have to be to start down the path of parenthood, otherwise no one would have the courage! I look back on the pregnancy and births of all my kids and with each one, I got smarter and smarter. I started with no real understanding of what I was getting myself into, then gained more and more knowledge with each pregnancy. If there is one piece of advice I could give all women who are about to embark on getting pregnant, it would be this: Don't bother buying any books. Go to the library or online for all your info because all those books "What To Expect The First Year" and so on will go half read at best. I never had time, after the first one, to pick the book up again. All the books I received or bought for myself, to prepare were great and finished reading before my first, and from then on, reading was something I used to do, when I had spare time.... which, I think I have forgotten what that truly means. Spare Time...

Before Children (BC), "spare time" could be hours of time where I had no where to be, and nothing pressing to do.

Photo by Richard Baker

After Children (AC), said time became fleeting moments, 30 min if I was lucky, where the baby was sleeping, or daddy had just enough patience to wrangle. In these moments, I have learned to speed read articles I can find, basically cliff notes online. I have become a master at finding easy quick meals online, printing it out and rushing to the task. In my "spare time", I can unload the dryer, then reload the dryer and washer. Of course, the newly dried clothes may at times sit in a pile either on the bed for a few days or on the floor at the foot of the bed before being finally sorted and put away. I can unload and reload the dishwasher in record time. Or, at the very least, get a shower, and dressed, before the baby has a melt down.

BC, I was certain I would do cloth diapers, breast feed exclusively for the first two years, then make my own baby food. I was going to teach him to sign, and go to infant learning classes and mommy and me playgroups and, and, and..... And then he came.

It was so overwhelming and wonderful, but I was SO. TIRED. He was colicky, and we now know he also had severe reflux that went undiagnosed until he was 6yo. I struggled for three months with breast feeding and it was the worst experience ever. He lost weight and the doctor told me that the assumptions of certain family members, that I was starving him to death, were true. When I gasped and started crying, he impatiently added, "Well, unintentionally." My nipples bled, and I went to a lactation consultant, who never noticed he was also tongue tied (we didn't find this out until a dentist pointed it out this year!). I would nurse for as long as he would remain awake, then use a supplemental nurser to add formula to his diet. Then, after he went to sleep, I would pump for half an hour. This was every two hours, without fail. I did this for 24 hours, for three months. One morning, he woke up and was crying. I fed him, and went to burp him and he projectile vomited all over the wall. I was so tired, and so frustrated, I started kicking the wall in exhausted frustration. I thought my husband was already gone for work, when he stuck his head in the door, worried and asked me what happened. I was embarrassed and told him, "Nothing, I stumbled getting out of bed." I was determined to do it all on my own, and in retrospect, I wish I would have asked for more help, but I was afraid of looking weak, and appearing incapable.

With my second, I vowed I would do better. I got mastitis. Not a severe enough case to warrant antibiotics, but I shudder at the thought that it could possibly be worse. I gritted my teeth through the pain, and was rewarded with thrush that we passed back and forth for a month. At 7 mos, I thought he weened himself after his first taste of food, and gave up, disappointed. I wish I had known what nursing strikes were and to keep offering. With two little ones, I struggled to keep up with my vow to make their baby food, but gave in to jarred organic food. Cloth diapers? Pffft! I wondered in amazement, how women coped, before washing machines let alone disposable. I was too exhausted to make it to too many support groups like Mommy and Me and I slowly found myself quite isolated from any kind of adult interaction beyond my mom, who was a blessing to have close by.

My third, came years later. I felt I had all the info I could possibly have. I found a doula and was rewarded with an amazing birth experience that made up for the first two, that had so much medical interference. The first three months, nursing was a magical thing. Then, my body betrayed me. My thyroid failed and with it, my milk supply dwindled. My husband gave him his first few bottles as I wept while pumping. I continued pumping and giving whatever I could until it disappeared. I couldn't afford the doctor appointment and blood work to get the medication I needed, until it was too late.

I had to come to terms, with not being able to have the "perfect mothering experience". Even if I had all the resources and money in the world, I don't think I would I have been able to avoid all the pitfalls. That's life. I love my children immensely and do everything possible to care for them. I am up all hours of the night, catching up on housework, and preparing for the next day, while doing the midnight, and 3am feedings for the baby. I manage my own type I diabetic status (though, not as well as I should due to low funds), as well as my now 6yo's who was diagnosed at age three (see video: Connor Takes Charge). I run them to and fro to play dates and activities. I manage doctor and dentist appointments. My house is rarely "clean" by most people's standards and my filing method is "organized piles" that drive my husband batty before I am able to knock them down temporarily. But you know what? I am a damn good mother! I do my absolute best. I put myself last and give my all for my family and if anyone were to tell me I am not good enough, then FORGET THEM!

I do get a little hurt, and sometimes it really gets to me, but overall, I know that no one could possibly love them more than me and I am secure in the fact that they never go without what they need: unconditional love and support.

So if you are a mom who is struggling with depression and feelings of inadequacy, stop fretting and look at the bigger picture! Try to enjoy those fleeting precious moments with your babies. You will never get that time back. What your children will remember most, isn't that the house was spotless, and your hair always just right. They will however remember, that you were there for them, and loved them dearly. For THAT, you are amazing. Each and every one of my fellow mommies. You are all, AMAZING.

Related Posts:

Kathryn Ann Sneed: It's Okay Not to be That Mom
Nicki: Beyond the Boob (a new mum's tale)

A Call To Action

I find myself gazing at the sunrise, streaking across the sky after dropping my kids off at school. The moon fighting to keep it's position, against the marauding sun. The colors are so amazing and I envy God's artistic mastery of color and composition. The stillness of the morning with the mist burning away slowly, frost clinging to the grass with greedy, sharp claws. Winter will soon be upon us and our thoughts will turn to wishes for spring, then summer. We live in a constant state of dissatisfaction with our surroundings and often miss it's brutal beauty.

In my dreams I am always someplace warmer. A place without piles of bills, laundry, dishes and duties. Errands are not frantically run, and I no longer am chasing daylight, trying to get ahead, yet never reaching the finish line. In my dreams, there is no burden of money and it's strings that drag us down and we have everything we need, and want for nothing unnecessary. I wonder, "How can we ever find peace like this in reality?" We are taught to lean on God and let go of all our cares, but I cannot seem to release the clutch on my worries. Fear has twisted me into thinking, that if I let go, then I will fall far and fast, and never catch up. Even though I know that my grasp makes me weak and I will never truly gain any new ground. It is a never ending cycle, the desperation of this life.

I look at my children and wish I could freeze them in this moment. I don't want them to feel disappointment or failure. I want to spare them heartache and cruelty. My six and seven year olds have already felt rejection and it makes my heart hurt. I see the confusion in their eyes as they struggle to understand why anyone would hurt them intentionally when they only want to be friends. It is even harder to control my rage, when the ones with mean spirits are adults who are calloused. I wish I could scrub their souls clean of the memories of mean kids and immature adults who have maliciously harmed them emotionally. I want to confront those who would be so careless with the hearts of children!

Momma Bear

I then find myself overcome with sorrow for the kids I see, who's eyes are dark and sad. Who has been hurting them? Why? Where is their champion? I want to help, but what can I do besides pray for their safety? I feel like I should be doing more? If I had a huge house and more money for resources, I would bring them to my home so they can experience love, safety and comfort. Raise them to be strong and honorable. This generation lacks moral fiber and it's sickening. Society is rotten and diseased with the profane, cruel and disturbing. Perversion is celebrated. Violence is cheered and injustice, common place. Where are the men, who would fight for the honor of family? Where are the women who strive for excellence in hearth and home? Where are the officials, who should be holding all accountable to the law? Silence.

Someday, we will all stand together, and see our misconduct and cruelty, splashed across a massive screen. All the things we thought were hidden. All the filth we thought was a secret, and we will be ashamed. But where is that shame now? Will you take a stand today? Will you decided that NOW is the time to strive for excellence? We are not perfect and we all make mistakes, but when will we learn from them? Work harder not to make the same mistakes over and over and over? Are we willing to acknowledge our own shortcomings and have patience with others?

I challenge myself, to speak more softly. To let go of my anger. To love more deeply and focus on my family. I am going to try to respect myself, by holding my husband up more often and honor him. I am going to continue to work hard on getting us to a place where we no longer owe anyone. I will respect my body as a temple and work steadily to put healthier things into it, so I have the energy to keep moving forward, never looking back. And every day, I will try to connect with someone and let them know that God loves them, with some small deed. Will you join me?

The Weight of The World On A Woman's Soul