Watching Them Grow

They are growing too fast! I can't keep up!

No, not the weeds in my garden, my boys. If I could go back and soak up a little more time with those chubby faces, I would. Now, I am watching my baby turn into a toddler. He is just so adorable! Seems only yesterday, he was a big roundness in my belly, then a squirming babe in my arms. Now, he is taking off, squealing at the cat and telling daddy (in his own way) not to go. The other day, my dad came over and Lachlan walked up to him, pointed to his eye as he said, "I" and then pointed up to him and said, "See!" Wow. He is growing up too fast!

Lachlan 2010

2011

My older two are no exception. I have been looking at old pictures and getting misty eyed over videos of them when they were tiny. What's a mother to do?

 

2011

Connor 2004

Finally, my oldest son is becoming too old to hold my hand! We were crossing a street and I held my hand out to him and he says, "Mom! I'm too old to hold your hand! It's embarrassing!" Dash my heart to pieces!! Did he really say, holding my hand was embarrassing? I guess you cannot stop the progression of a growing child. Just hold onto those precious memories fast. Because, before you know it, they are too old to hold onto those apron strings, and it's time to let them go...

Russell 2004

2011

        

Count Your Blessings!

From time to time, when I was growing up, my mom would sing this simple song and I could hear the joy in her voice, grow. I was thinking about this song today, watching my soon to be 18mos old sleep in my arms. He's been a complete turkey for the past week or so and I realized more teeth were coming in a couple days ago. While that explains it, it doesn't make him any easier to deal with. He gets incredibly insecure and clinging and it's nearly impossible to get anything done. It's easy to be grumpy and short when you feel like you are running behind and anytime you start on a project, you have to stop to take care of a fussy little one. However, I am trying to so enjoy the good times, that I store it up, and don't forget them when he is most difficult. That way, when he is being a pill, I just stop and breath, and remember how cute he was the day before (or whenever) and remind myself, that it won't last for long.

My Grouchy Flower

Today, he was so stinkin' cute (despite off and on fussiness). I'm sure people thought I was crazy, making faces at him from the rear view mirror (he has one so we can see each other while driving) and reaching behind the seat and grabbing him (to make him squeal) while at stop lights. He was cooing and smiling up a storm in the grocery, and doffing his hat at the older ladies (where did he learn that??) making them smile and coo back.

I stopped to get a coffee and while waiting, he was kissing me and singing momma to me. I just soak these moments up. Especially, because I know it will happen before I know it. He will be too big for kisses, and a big boy and not want to hold my hand while crossing the street (as I was informed by my eldest). As a mother, I wonder, how I will survive (as so many others have) having my heart swell so big with each baby I have, and then utterly dashed as they grow independent and push for more freedom from me. While it makes me proud to see them grow to be young men, I can't imagine how hard it will be to say goodbye as they leave me. So, I have to remember to count my blessings, and save them up in my heart. So much is taken for granted, but these are the things that help us push through each day, knowing there is so much more waiting for us, after this life!

Count Your Blessings (midi) - right click and choose "open in new window"

1. When upon life’s billows you are tempest-tossed,
   When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
   Count your many blessings, name them one by one,
   And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.
   • Refrain:
     Count your blessings, name them one by one,
     Count your blessings, see what God hath done!
     Count your blessings, name them one by one,
     *Count your many blessings, see what God hath done.
     [*And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.]
2. Are you ever burdened with a load of care?
   Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
   Count your many blessings, every doubt will fly,
   And you will keep singing as the days go by.
3. When you look at others with their lands and gold,
   Think that Christ has promised you His wealth untold;
   Count your many blessings—wealth can never buy
   Your reward in heaven, nor your home on high.
4. So, amid the conflict whether great or small,
   Do not be discouraged, God is over all;
   Count your many blessings, angels will attend,
   Help and comfort give you to your journey’s end.

A Call To Action

I find myself gazing at the sunrise, streaking across the sky after dropping my kids off at school. The moon fighting to keep it's position, against the marauding sun. The colors are so amazing and I envy God's artistic mastery of color and composition. The stillness of the morning with the mist burning away slowly, frost clinging to the grass with greedy, sharp claws. Winter will soon be upon us and our thoughts will turn to wishes for spring, then summer. We live in a constant state of dissatisfaction with our surroundings and often miss it's brutal beauty.

In my dreams I am always someplace warmer. A place without piles of bills, laundry, dishes and duties. Errands are not frantically run, and I no longer am chasing daylight, trying to get ahead, yet never reaching the finish line. In my dreams, there is no burden of money and it's strings that drag us down and we have everything we need, and want for nothing unnecessary. I wonder, "How can we ever find peace like this in reality?" We are taught to lean on God and let go of all our cares, but I cannot seem to release the clutch on my worries. Fear has twisted me into thinking, that if I let go, then I will fall far and fast, and never catch up. Even though I know that my grasp makes me weak and I will never truly gain any new ground. It is a never ending cycle, the desperation of this life.

I look at my children and wish I could freeze them in this moment. I don't want them to feel disappointment or failure. I want to spare them heartache and cruelty. My six and seven year olds have already felt rejection and it makes my heart hurt. I see the confusion in their eyes as they struggle to understand why anyone would hurt them intentionally when they only want to be friends. It is even harder to control my rage, when the ones with mean spirits are adults who are calloused. I wish I could scrub their souls clean of the memories of mean kids and immature adults who have maliciously harmed them emotionally. I want to confront those who would be so careless with the hearts of children!

Momma Bear

I then find myself overcome with sorrow for the kids I see, who's eyes are dark and sad. Who has been hurting them? Why? Where is their champion? I want to help, but what can I do besides pray for their safety? I feel like I should be doing more? If I had a huge house and more money for resources, I would bring them to my home so they can experience love, safety and comfort. Raise them to be strong and honorable. This generation lacks moral fiber and it's sickening. Society is rotten and diseased with the profane, cruel and disturbing. Perversion is celebrated. Violence is cheered and injustice, common place. Where are the men, who would fight for the honor of family? Where are the women who strive for excellence in hearth and home? Where are the officials, who should be holding all accountable to the law? Silence.

Someday, we will all stand together, and see our misconduct and cruelty, splashed across a massive screen. All the things we thought were hidden. All the filth we thought was a secret, and we will be ashamed. But where is that shame now? Will you take a stand today? Will you decided that NOW is the time to strive for excellence? We are not perfect and we all make mistakes, but when will we learn from them? Work harder not to make the same mistakes over and over and over? Are we willing to acknowledge our own shortcomings and have patience with others?

I challenge myself, to speak more softly. To let go of my anger. To love more deeply and focus on my family. I am going to try to respect myself, by holding my husband up more often and honor him. I am going to continue to work hard on getting us to a place where we no longer owe anyone. I will respect my body as a temple and work steadily to put healthier things into it, so I have the energy to keep moving forward, never looking back. And every day, I will try to connect with someone and let them know that God loves them, with some small deed. Will you join me?

The Weight of The World On A Woman's Soul

A School In Need of Votes!

I thought this would be a great thing to support. Just a week ago, some heartless vandals trashed the Redoubt Elementary School. They smashed anything they could lift, broke out windows, emptied fire extinguishers and left beer cans all over the place. School is set to begin soon and a lot of computers and equipment were destroyed. The ones who suffer, are the kids, who have done nothing to deserve having their education tampered with. This would be an incredible blessing. Please consider voting at least once for our school if you choose to support another. Thank you!

I Have A Shutterbug

I have a touch of the photog in me. Mostly, they are hard won images that I almost mistakenly get. However, if I have time to play, I sometimes surprise myself. My hubby bought me a new camera to replace one I had for seven years and it finally busted. I am just getting to know this new machine and I am just loving it.

Today, the sun was out and flaunting itself, with temps around 60°F in the shade early evening. So, while Chad went off to work, I took the boys to the park for an evening stroll (they biked) and I took pictures. Then, after we got home, the sun was just right for some extreme close ups. I put the camera on mini-macro and held my breath.

Boys seem to be blessed with lovely long lashes that us girls just absolutely envy. So, I took pictures of their eyes with stunning results. I'm no pro, but I was pleased as punch with what I was able to capture. Tell me, what do you think?

Connor has such beautiful eyes. I think this was so stunning when zoomed in (click on picture for enlarged image). Again, the eyelashes are so long!

Again, LONG lashes! In this image, you can see the reflection of the camera in his eye.

Here is Russell's profile. I wish I hadn't cut his nose off, so it looked like Connor's. Oh well. This image reminds me of how his eyelashes would get tangled in the corners when he was a baby. Now THAT is a true sign of long lashes!

I couldn't get Russell to look at the camera like Connor had. I think he was feeling shy. Still, a cool shot I think.

Lachlan was dozing in his wrap, so it wasn't easy to get this shot. Still, again with the long lashes.

I am playing around and having fun. I'm going to post some on my Flickr account and see if anyone likes them. I don't want to pay $25 to share more than the free allotted MB so I can't post these until next month since I exceeded that with a few videos I shared with family through there. I hope to get them up soon though. In the meantime, there are a few shots I thought were neat, up there now.

I can see how it could be an obsession. Kids grow so fast, a parent feels compelled to capture their images often. Somehow, the image never really looks like them. The soul is definately not trapped, because it simply doesn't match the memory. Still, I'll continue to try, in the hopes that I will be able to look back on them and get the full affect, as if in their presence again, when they were small and dependent on me.

Silver Ribbons of Motherhood

In our house, my husband and I have raised our children to love the bodies God made for them. My oldest is tall and muscular. My second son is shorter and a little rounder. From the time they were tiny, we would stroke their bellies and say, "Nice tummy." lovingly to them. To this day, we reinforce the opinion, that whether flat or round, tummies are all nice. We are all made differently and wonderfully ("... for I am fearfully and wonderfully made..." Psalm 139:14) and to make fun of someone or hate yourself because the outward appearance is different, would be terribly wrong. Not just for the emotional pain it inflicts, but because it is false. Magazines, movies and television sell us falsehoods that tear down our society one child's confidence at a time. Pregnancy is a wonderful tool to teach our children, that our bodies change and are special in all it's forms, not to be mocked. I came to this conclusion a long time ago. But let me start from the beginning....

I distinctly remember, as a child, playing with my mother and at one point, her shirt was lifted up a little to expose her belly. My mother is so beautiful, with olive skin and in that moment, I immediately noticed light silvery lines on her belly. I remember touching them, they were soft as silk, and asking her what they were, concerned because they looked like "owies". She told me how, when I was growing inside her, and getting bigger and bigger, her skin had to stretch to hold me. I don't remember anymore of the conversation, except that she had this soft loving smile on her face that was heavy with love and her voice was light with emotion. In that moment, I felt so wanted and special without realizing the depth of it all.

Today, as I write this, I have my third son wrapped on my body sleeping peacefully. When my belly began to swell beyond question of my condition, my first two sons were fascinated. My eldest would hug and nuzzle my belly, saying "I love you." first to me, and then into my belly. My second would put his hands on either side of my belly and pat it saying, "I love your tummy!". The growing belly of a woman with child is a magical thing. The ultimate in wonderfully wrapped and mysterious gifts, waiting to be opened to reveal the precious contents inside. Children are in wonder and awe. Even when they don't say anything, children I passed in the grocery store or on the side walk would slow, their eyes grow big and lips slightly part in a silent expression of wonder. It hit me even harder, how beautiful and special pregnancy is, one night at dinner. My eldest turned to me and said, "I love you, and the person inside you." Then my youngest got up, laid his head on my belly and said into it, "I love you, and the person holding you."

After I had my newest bundle, there was a little twang of sorrow right after giving birth, as the belly deflates and is empty. I missed that feeling of fullness. Yet that feeling leaves so quickly, as you hold that tiny squirming bundle. As I healed, I seemed more aware of my belly this time. A few more stretch marks, things that once were firm, now soft. I stood before the mirror, holding a sleeping bundle, gazing at my form. The door opened, it was my second son come to tell me he loves me before he goes to school. He put his hands on my soft belly and said, "No baby in there." then looked up at me with a huge grin, putting his cheek on my belly, "I love your big, not so big tummy, mommy." then skipped out. I never thought I would be okay with my form in it's current state. However, I have come to realize that it is a moving record of our family. Each child has etched the beginning of his life in my skin and as I touch those soft silvery ribbons, I am reminded of the life I've brought into this world and how precious it is, from the very beginning.

Psalm 139:14-16 "Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous--and how well I know it. You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed."

Written as a project for "Save Our Daughters" through  The Shape of A Mother website. Check them out!