An Epiphany Inspired By Life

I'm going to delve into a very emotional topic. Just fair warning. This is a very personal account and I have no reason to embellish or lie. This is my story and I've stuck to it for 13 years. Take it or leave it, but I hope that it inspires or helps you find answers to the questions you have not easily Googled.

*Deep Breath*

I haven't always been so strongly against abortion. I didn't really have a feeling about it one way or another. It just wasn't on my radar. I was raised in a Christian home, but it wasn't a topic discussed specifically. So when my husband and I got pregnant for the first time, it wasn't under duress that we found out. We were in a good place so feeling trapped or overwhelmed wasn't something we experienced with the knowledge that we were about to have a baby. We were overjoyed.

I am Type I Diabetic and so considered high risk. We were trying to get pregnant so I was keenly aware to any changes and would immediately take the home pregnancy test. It took some time to get pregnant and I was starting to worry it wouldn't happen for us. But it did and we were ecstatic. I went to the doctor and confirmed it really early (barely 4 weeks), but this was a doctor appointment made just a week prior. I had to travel to see specialists and there were lots of tests early on and we told our parents. I know, they say to wait just in case, but we were too excited and couldn't imagine anything bad happening.

At about my 6th week, I woke up at about 4am, in a pool of blood. We knew what it meant and I immediately started crying. We called the ER to let them know we were on our way. Luckily, that was about 5 minutes because we lived in a small seaside town. The doctor was kind, and very gentle. She forlornly gave me the news. I had to come back the next day for an ultra sound and then D&C. They allowed me to clean up, gave me scrubs to wear home, and we left.

We lived in a cute little cottage on the water. To get to it, we had to walk down a boardwalk from the parking area. We walked in silence. My heart was torn up. I couldn't cry anymore. I was thinking in my head that I just wanted to drink whatever we had in the house and obliterate the pain. I wanted to black out and forget. This is what it feels like when someone says they feel "gutted". I felt empty where my heart should be. I kept hearing this voice in my head and thought I was going crazy.

"I'm still here!"  "It's okay! I'm still here!"

Soft and quiet. I was instantly mad at God. I said in my head, "Years of never hearing you despite begging to hear your voice and NOW you want to talk? Go away!" But the voice didn't go away until I fell asleep. Crying again. I never drank a thing. I was too tired. The effort felt like too much.

Later that morning I had a whole day to simmer in my grief before I went to my appointment the next day. My parents came by to console me. My husband's parents brought flowers. My husband was commercial fishing at that time, and was working to prep the boat, so he was busy during the day. I was alone. Half sad. Half angry. It wasn't fair! I heard that voice still pleading they were "still here" throughout the day. I think it was the only reason I didn't take the opportunity to drink again. I slept off and on.

The next morning my husband dropped me off at the hospital and told me he would be there for the appointment as soon as he could. He had to go to the boat, check on some things and let the rest of the crew know what was up. I trudged to the waiting room and sat. Soon I was brought back to the ultrasound room. The tech was very solemn and kind. I laid there. Waiting to hear that, yes, my baby was dead....

"Wait... I think... there's.... THERE'S A HEARTBEAT! THERE'S A BABY STILL THERE!!"

I almost fell off the table. He jumped up, told me he had to get the doctor and ran out. I was in shock. I started to cry and right then my husband walked in. The look on his face was fear because he thought my tears meant something worse had happened. When I told him, "WE'RE STILL PREGNANT!!" I saw him tremble slightly before he rushed to me. The doctor came in with a full smile and tears in her eyes. She told us that this happens far more often than people realize and her experience taught her to always do an ultrasound to verify there is no life before proceeding with the D&C. She explained that we had most likely had twins and one, for whatever reason, died. I was sent home on temporary bed rest. 

Our First Born, Russell

Seven months later, I gave birth to Russell. My smiley sweet boy. It was when I was holding him for the first time, something happened. I don't know how to describe it, except like a spark going off right between my eyes, but in my head. I heard the voice, "I'm still here!". It was a memory, but from familiarity. I looked at this new baby boy and it struck me that HE had been reassuring me that he was still alive. I just didn't realize it consciously.

So early on, in the womb, his spirit was present. I have no doubt it was him trying to talk to me and in some way, I think he was the only reason I didn't fully give up.

When Russell was 3yo, he started verbalizing about a sister in heaven. We had never told him he was a twin. So this was amazing to us. Family swore to us they hadn't mentioned it. They didn't see the reason for it. To this day, around his birthday, he'll make a comment about his sister in heaven. So how has this shaped my feelings about abortion?

Life is precious. There is a soul from the very beginning. You cannot convince me otherwise. You can believe me or not. But this is my personal experience and for the rest of my life, I will speak out against the horrors of abortion. Thank you for listening to my story. I hope you found the answers to the difficult questions you had. I hope I inspired you. I hope you take the time to think about this issue, and at least, research more deeply and ignore the emotional shouts from either side of this issue. Seek the truth urgently. The truth, truly will, set you free. 

  

The Value of Female Friendships

Relationship Research

The Tending Instinct, by Shelley E. Taylor, unlocks some of the mysteries of "women, men, and the biology of our relationships." The need for community with other women is biological; it is part of our DNA. Taylor's book consolidated a variety of studies covering cultural factors, decades of research, anecdotal references – even the biological ties to the girlfriend concept in the animal kingdom. An unending stream of fascinating facts helped define why we as women are more social, more community focused, collaborative, less competitive and, above all, why we need our girlfriends.

Consider these findings:

• Longevity – Married men live longer than single men, yet women who marry have the same life expectancy as those who don't. However, women with strong female social ties (girlfriends) live longer than those without them.
• Stress – For decades, stress tests focused solely on male participants, believing that all humans would respond in the same manner. When these same stress tests were finally conducted on females it was discovered that women don't have the same, classic 'fight or flight' response to stress that men do. According to the research presented in The Tending Instinct, women under stress have the need to 'tend and befriend.' We want to tend to our young and be with our friends. Time with our friends actually reduces our stress levels.
• More Stress - A study conducted by the UCLA School of Medicine found that when we're with our girlfriends, our bodies emit the "feel good" hormone oxytocin, helping us reduce everyday stress. By prioritizing our female friendships and spending time with these friends, we take advantage of a very simple, natural way to reduce our stress.
• Even more stress - Prairie voles, a monogamous rodent, have a similar response to stress. When a male vole is put in a stressful situation, he runs to his female partner. Female voles, when stressed, immediately run to the females they were raised with.
• Self-esteem - A recent study by Dove indicated that 70% of women feel prettier because of their relationships with female friends. It's no surprise that our self-esteem is highly influenced by our girlfriends; this is important to understand for girls as well as women.
• The Health Factor – Women without strong social ties risk health issues equivalent to being overweight or a smoker - it's that serious.

Nurture those friendships and tend to them like you would a garden. Just as a garden can enrich and nourish your family, a quality friendship with another woman can strengthen each woman’s family. I have found personally, a kind of contentedness that falls on me after spending time with a special friend. That feeling carries over when I return to my family and they notice it as well. My husband notes my elevated mood and when the wife/mother is happy, it is far easier for the rest of the family to be at ease. How do those sayings go?

“Happy wife, Happy life.”

“When momma ain’t happy, ain’t no body happy!”

I thank God for the special friendships in my life. They’ve lifted me up and given me another person to fight for. They’ve enriched my life beyond expectation and given unexpected joy that carries me through difficult times. I hope that I give that kind of feeling to the friends I have as well.

A best friend, is a sister destiny forgot to give you.

Without communities of women, we often miss opportunities to be involved in our cities, to learn from each other, to empathize with other women and to share the benefits of laughter and a heart-felt hug.

As women, we sometimes need to be reminded what being a girlfriend means. Too often it takes an illness or loss to hit us with reality, realization, and appreciation of friendship. That reminder can also be as simple as a caring card, a hug or an e-mailed photo. Once in a while we simply need to take the time to think about our friends, stop and live in the moment, and if at all possible, celebrate that moment.

Hear some bad news? Call a girlfriend. Have something great to celebrate? Share that celebration with a friend. Want to feel prettier, be less stressed, be healthier and happier? Spend some time with your BFFs. My dear girlfriends, recognize your own need for friendships and fill that need with time and memories together.

Life is better together – with your girlfriends.

Who Is My Jesus?...

You ask, "Who is this Jesus you speak of?" and I can't help but smile and feel a joy bubble up inside me. That question is a loaded one because there really isn't a simple answer. He is so much that words can fail, and yet spill out all at the same time. I've found some tools to help me, so let's explore this shall we?

Even when you think you know Him, but you feel something is missing. You've been raised in the church, but never given your own salvation much thought. Maybe you say, "I'm a Christian, but something is missing..." It's okay. It happens to the best of us. Because it's personal. He comes to us and waits for us to invite Him into our lives. 

Maybe you think you're too far gone. Oh nothing could be further from the truth. He is always there, waiting for you to give up on this dead end life, trying to do it all on your own. He is waiting for you to turn to Him and say, "Help me." He loves us so much, he laid his life down and died for us in the most horrific fashion. He did this knowing us before we were even a whisper on the wind. Centuries before our first ancestors came together to form a family, He knew our names and was ready to reveal Himself to us when we were ready to turn from our sinful lives and ask Him in.

What are you waiting for? Don't you want to be a part of this amazing plan He has for us? You see, the body that we trudge through this life in. This feeble, often broken, failing shell that we shamble through our days in, is not who we really are. Inside, we are a soul. When this life is over, our soul goes back to where it belongs. We belong in heaven! A place beyond the scope of our imaginations. If you think it cannot get better than this, you are wrong and there are no words to describe the amazing life in store for us. You see, our Father in heaven has prepared a place for us to live. To get there, Jesus extended an invitation to us. We will get a new body and will live forever in a paradise beyond description. But we have to have a personal relationship with Jesus. We have to ask Him to guide us. Turn our lives away from the sins of this earth. The easy road that is paved with temporary pleasures that will never satisfy, and trust in Jesus. Can you do that? Just try it! Ask Jesus to help you see Him in your life. Ask Him to reveal Himself to you. You won't be disappointed. I promise!

If you don't know where to start this journey, start watching these videos and find out who Jesus is and what you have to look forward to.

(more at www.FreshLifeChurch.com)

If you're still interested, there are eight more videos to this amazing series. For the webpage to the series, click here:

Kickstart

There are more amazing videos, as I mentioned before and the church streams live it's church services. Wherever you are, find out when and you could view the service in real time (if it's not too late or early for you).

Equality For Whom?

I've been seeing people all over Twitter and Facebook, showing their support for gay marriage by posting the red equal sign. I am going to post two feet. The feet represent the millions who never get to breathe the air of this world. Who never feel love let alone get married. Those who never have the chance to have children or go to school or do anything many gays are afforded the privilege to do. They are never given this chance because a human decides that their life is unimportant because of a defect or being an inopportune time for the person who conceived them. This is for the millions of children aborted yearly. Talk about rights being denied.

So I don't want to hear anymore crying for things you cannot afford or force people to give you through executive and congressional orders. I don't want to hear about how the government should recognize your union. You know why? Because you can survive without that, or get by on a reasonable facsimile. Because in the end, the greatest tragedy never recognized by the spoiled, self centered brats of this country, is that MILLIONS are DENIED the RIGHT to LIFE!!! Is anyone systematically murdering you because you are an inconvenience to them or you aren't perfect in their eyes? No?

THEN SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP! 

If you are going to make your fight for whatever, valid with me, you better give equal time, fighting for the right for innocents to live.

That is all.

The Founders of the Feminist Movement

"Abortion is the ultimate exploitation of women."
-- Alice Paul: The author of the original Equal Rights Amendment (1923) and early feminist

I can hear a collective gasp from the so called feminists of today. Yes. The ones who fought for our rights as women today, were vehemently against abortion. I will further rankle you  who claim to be for women's rights (yet do so little!) by saying, that the feminists of the 60's did more to destroy female power and strength, than further it. Dare to read on? Do you have the strength of character to face the falsehood that is today's feminist movement?

Susan B. Anthony, in her publication The Revolution, wrote:

"Guilty? Yes. No matter what the motive, love of ease, or a desire to save from suffering the unborn innocent, the woman is awfully guilty who commits the deed. It will burden her conscience in life, it will burden her soul in death; But oh, thrice guilty is he who drove her to the desperation which impelled her to the crime!"

Yes, Susan B. Anthony, beloved matriarch of the feminist movement, and revered by modern feminists, was anti-abortion. Oh, there are plenty of lies amidst the feminists of today, that she wasn't. However, if you look to her publications, it is quite clear that she was. Read, "The Truth About Susan B. Anthony" for an enlightened look at this feminist icon.

Who are some of the prominent women of the feminist movement?

• Jane Addams, 1860-1935
• Louisa May Alcott, 1832-1888
• Susan B. Anthony, 1820-1906
• Dr. Elizabeth Blackwell, 1821-1910
• Pearl S. Buck, 1892-1973
• Dorothy Day, 1897-1980
• Matilda Joslyn Gage, 1826-1898
• Angelina Weld Grimke, 1880-1958
• Fannie Lou Hamer, 1917-1977
• Dr. Charlotte Denman Lozier, 1844-1870
• Sarah F. Norton and Eliza Bisbee Duffey
• Breda O'Brien 1962- 
• Graciela Olivarez, 1928-1987
• Alice Stokes Paul, 1885-1977
• Susan LaFlesche Picotte, 1865-1915
• Cicely Saunders, 1918-2005
• Dr. Juliet Stillman Severance
• Elizabeth Cady Stanton, 1815-1902
• Lois Weber 1879-1939
• Frances Willard, 1839-1898
• Mary Wollstonecraft, 1759-1797

All of them, spoke out/continue to speak out, AGAINST abortion and fought/fight for the rights of unborn babies as well as women's rights. It is also worth noting, that Hypocrites (c. 450 BC) condemned the practice (I mention him only because he is lauded as one of the most outstanding figures in the history of medicine and the father of medicine.)

"Abortion is a reflection that we have failed women—and women have settled for less.
We insist on a world in which women have access to all nonviolent options, which is hardly an anti-woman perspective.... Pro-life feminists demand that society support the unique life-giving capacity of women, so that no woman feels she has no choice other than abortion." -- "Pro Woman Answers to Pro Choice Questions"

I am a feminist. I believe in the power and strength of a woman, and I am Pro-Life! Women deserve better than what the pro-choice  movement offers. I proudly declare my stance against willful infanticide.

For more information, please visit Feminists for Life: Women Deserve Better

"May peace begin in the womb...

 ....and spread throughout the world."

Silver Ribbons of Motherhood

In our house, my husband and I have raised our children to love the bodies God made for them. My oldest is tall and muscular. My second son is shorter and a little rounder. From the time they were tiny, we would stroke their bellies and say, "Nice tummy." lovingly to them. To this day, we reinforce the opinion, that whether flat or round, tummies are all nice. We are all made differently and wonderfully ("... for I am fearfully and wonderfully made..." Psalm 139:14) and to make fun of someone or hate yourself because the outward appearance is different, would be terribly wrong. Not just for the emotional pain it inflicts, but because it is false. Magazines, movies and television sell us falsehoods that tear down our society one child's confidence at a time. Pregnancy is a wonderful tool to teach our children, that our bodies change and are special in all it's forms, not to be mocked. I came to this conclusion a long time ago. But let me start from the beginning....

I distinctly remember, as a child, playing with my mother and at one point, her shirt was lifted up a little to expose her belly. My mother is so beautiful, with olive skin and in that moment, I immediately noticed light silvery lines on her belly. I remember touching them, they were soft as silk, and asking her what they were, concerned because they looked like "owies". She told me how, when I was growing inside her, and getting bigger and bigger, her skin had to stretch to hold me. I don't remember anymore of the conversation, except that she had this soft loving smile on her face that was heavy with love and her voice was light with emotion. In that moment, I felt so wanted and special without realizing the depth of it all.

Today, as I write this, I have my third son wrapped on my body sleeping peacefully. When my belly began to swell beyond question of my condition, my first two sons were fascinated. My eldest would hug and nuzzle my belly, saying "I love you." first to me, and then into my belly. My second would put his hands on either side of my belly and pat it saying, "I love your tummy!". The growing belly of a woman with child is a magical thing. The ultimate in wonderfully wrapped and mysterious gifts, waiting to be opened to reveal the precious contents inside. Children are in wonder and awe. Even when they don't say anything, children I passed in the grocery store or on the side walk would slow, their eyes grow big and lips slightly part in a silent expression of wonder. It hit me even harder, how beautiful and special pregnancy is, one night at dinner. My eldest turned to me and said, "I love you, and the person inside you." Then my youngest got up, laid his head on my belly and said into it, "I love you, and the person holding you."

After I had my newest bundle, there was a little twang of sorrow right after giving birth, as the belly deflates and is empty. I missed that feeling of fullness. Yet that feeling leaves so quickly, as you hold that tiny squirming bundle. As I healed, I seemed more aware of my belly this time. A few more stretch marks, things that once were firm, now soft. I stood before the mirror, holding a sleeping bundle, gazing at my form. The door opened, it was my second son come to tell me he loves me before he goes to school. He put his hands on my soft belly and said, "No baby in there." then looked up at me with a huge grin, putting his cheek on my belly, "I love your big, not so big tummy, mommy." then skipped out. I never thought I would be okay with my form in it's current state. However, I have come to realize that it is a moving record of our family. Each child has etched the beginning of his life in my skin and as I touch those soft silvery ribbons, I am reminded of the life I've brought into this world and how precious it is, from the very beginning.

Psalm 139:14-16 "Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous--and how well I know it. You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed."

Written as a project for "Save Our Daughters" through  The Shape of A Mother website. Check them out!