Hope Springs Eternal

So, I got a call from my doctor telling me that my low milk supply has largely been due to "dangerously low" thyroid which has affected my prolactin levels (click on highlighted areas for further explanation). She was surprised I was able to pump any milk at all. So, our plan of attack, is taking synthroid to normalize my thyroid and continue taking all the galactagogues I have been taking. I also have to pump at least once every four hours, going no longer than four between pumping. Specifically, pumping at 2am since that is apparently an optimal time for the nutrients and quantity. All that I pump is added to any formula I give which is about 50/50.

What an exhausting schedule. Especially since I have two older boys (5&6yrs old) as well as a household to try to keep up with. To top it all off, I have family coming for a visit. If it were just my parents, I think it would be fine, but some extended family are coming too, which has me just a little stressed for keeping everyone entertained, while sticking to my schedule. I think I am just worrying needlessly, but since having my thyroid diagnosed (postpartum hypothyroidism) I realized that my extreme exhaustion hasn't just been me and I don't know if I will be able to keep up. I try not to drive unless I am certain I am fully awake. I drove to the next town (15min away) to pick up a hospital grade pump and almost fell asleep driving twice. I was so upset and jittery from nerves once I got home. Now, I walk as much as possible and avoid driving unless I feel totally up to it. Thank goodness it's summertime!

It's so unfair that breastfeeding has to be so difficult. I thought that this time I would finally have it down and be able to really offer the full benefit to my baby. The first two were a struggle and this was to be a redeeming moment for me. Oh well. Letting go of the guilt and disappointment is the hardest. To persevere against all odds is truly difficult. However, I have friends and family near and far who have been so amazing with words of encouragement and cheering me on. I am truly blessed with the friendships I have made. I hold fast to the sense that, with everything I have been doing to maintain what I have, when my thyroid rights itself, suddenly everything will click. So, I am hoping that the little bit of documentation of the struggles I have gone through, will be found by other moms who are struggling with lactation/nursing issues and find answers, encouragement and tips to keep going.

It Ends Here

So, despite everything I've done:

• nursing every two hours
• pumping after every nursing session
• taking fenugreek, blessed thistle, lecithin, brewer's yeast, mother's milk tea
• eating oatmeal in every form imaginable
• implemented breast compression
• tried every baby hold on to get him to latch

Nothing. Absolutely nothing. My milk diminishes every day despite everything I've done and I am so over it now. Formula is so (insert expletive here) expensive and inadequate, it's killing me to have to go to it. I have two other boys that I haven't been as there for because all I do is THIS in an attempt to find success in breast feeding, who need me. I have stress up to my eyeballs, financially thanks to the IRS and stupid mistakes I made with credit cards. I just can't deal with it anymore.

To top it all off, I started thinking about how much I prayed and had faith that God had His hand in our lives and was steering us in the right direction. Yet, with all the prayer and trying to do what He wanted, I see, we don't have anything. Our life wouldn't be any different, if I hadn't wasted all those tears and hours, every day praying for God to just show us the way and see to maybe throwing us a bone from time to time. Well, what has that gotten me? False hope. I feel like a fool in front of my husband, because for so long, I would tell him, "Well, God has something better. That's why that didn't work out. Let's just shake off the disappointment and keep praying and following Him." To what? Nothing. Nothing better has ever come. We've come within touching distance of a dream we had spent years praying for, it looks like God's hand has been in everything leading up to the final moment.... and it is snatched away. Feels like a great cosmic punk. So, I had a talk, with whatever entity we were swearing fealty to for so long (if there even IS one) and told him, her, or it that I was done. Out. I have officially had my fill of God. What has He done for me? Was there any response? No. Was I surprised? I guess I was hoping that finally, I would hear that audible voice telling me that it would all be okay and to not be troubled. But no. Silence. That was my answer. Either there is nothing up there to respond, or the great spirit in the sky could care less.

Let's recount... I was diagnosed with type I diabetes. I prayed, throwing myself on the alter night after night at church, begging for God to heal me. Nothing. Then, with my marriage came dealing with the ugly IRS who now, is perched, about to take everything from us. My first born was ill and created this ugly strife between me and some family who stomped the crap out of my self esteem and joy despite how hard I worked (with all my kids) to ensure his health. My second child is diagnosed with type I diabetes at three years old. We move, thinking we are following God's will for where he wanted us. It seems like a blessing, then when we are about to buy a house, the IRS jumps up and slaps our credit into oblivion (I don't think it is repairable now). No house. The money quickly dwindles away. We have been trying to sell our property for years, and get to the point where we are about to sign and have money in our hands, and the buyer drops the deal. My third son, gets reflux and refuses to nurse. Refuses me completely. I feel dejected and abandoned. I have prayed my last prayer. I pray and pray and spout faith and keep turning to Him, and I get nothing. Something, anything, no matter how small, HAS to happen for us. Something finally good. Right? Right.

So, my faith, along with my milk has officially dried up. I just do not have the emotional capacity for it anymore. It would have to be a big sign at this point, to make me believe, that all that time was worth it. That someone out there really does have the best of intentions for us. At the moment, I think everything we actually did receive, was only due to our sweat and tears. Not prayer. Hey, maybe some time will go by and I will see a sign and realize I was wrong. Then again, pigs may fly. If I am struck down by lightning now, I can only imagine it to be the most extreme coincidence ever.

The Heartache of Nursing

I know all the benefits. I have all the facts. I love the act itself for all it's loving closeness. I mourn that it has never been easy.

With my first son, it was a horrible experience. He was extremely collicky, which we later found out was a treatable reflux condition (if we had decent doctors to diagnose it at the time!). I was only able to nurse him for 5mos. but it was 5mos of torture. My second I was able to almost reclaim nursing, but had such a bad taste in my mouth from the struggle and emotional distress I was in (loooong story!) at the time, I didn't try to maintain it and only nursed for 7mos.

Now, I am nursing again and having a new set of issues to deal with. We were able to get medicine for Lachlan for reflux, but he has a slight aversion to the breast now, because of the pain association. So, I am trying to woo him back, struggling to maintain my supply. He will nurse from one side now, not the other. I hate having to do it, but I am supplementing. I pump like crazy all the time, get a few ounces and add it to a small amount of formula to give by bottle (arg!). This has been a touch and go issue for me, because I don't want him to grow dependent on or expect a bottle. So, I am researching everything on increasing my supply and hoping to find someone who will let me borrow their hospital grade pump (cannot afford to buy or rent at this time). This research has led me to all kinds of wonderful resources on herbs, foods and practices that will bring my supply rapidly upward. I wanted to share them with you so if anyone needed the info, they could find it here.

To kick off the share session, I would like to present a recipe I played with and altered from an online lactation cookie recipe I found. It has essential components that are purported to be galactagogues. So, here it is:

Mama Mia Milk Cookies

Ingredients:

1/2 cup butter*

3/4 cup coconut oil

1/2 cup granulated sugar

1/2 cup firmly packed light brown sugar

4 tbsp water

2 tbsp flax seed meal (I used Bob's Red Mill)

2 eggs
1 tsp vanilla
1 tsp almond
1/2 cup AP flour
1/2 cup buckwheat flour
1/4 cup almond meal flour
1/2 cup whole wheat flour
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp salt
2-4 tbsp brewer's yeast (I used 4 tbsp)
8 capsules of fenugreek (vitamin capsules opened up, discard the capsule)**
3 cups rolled oats (not quick oats)
1 cup chocolate chips
1 cup craisins

* I realize now, that I could have completely omitted the butter all together, but wasn't sure of the outcome. Next time, I will.


** this was a last minute idea that was such a good one!

Instructions:
Preheat oven to 350F. Line cookie sheets with parchment paper.

In a small bowl, mix flax seed meal and water and let sit for 5 minutes. In a large bowl, sift the flours, baking soda, salt and brewer's yeast and set aside.

In a stand mixer, fitted with a flat beater, combine the butter and coconut oil, brown sugar and granulated sugar. Add eggs, mixing well after each one. Add flax seed meal and vanilla and almond, and fenugreek. Mix well. Slowly add flour mixture to the butter mixture. Stir in oats. Fold in chocolate chips and craisins.

Scoop rounded tablespoons onto prepared baking sheets. Bake for 12-15 minutes. Let sit on baking sheet for a few minutes before removing to wire racks to cool completely.

ENJOY!