Wednesday, June 09, 2010

Faith Can Falter... but the Father Never Does

As made aware in a previous posting, I have had a big struggle with my faith. A lot seemed to happen in quick succession and it's so hard to bounce back from so many hits. I'm surprised it took me so long to finally say "uncle". I'm ashamed that I did, but then, we are all human and can only take so much. I am still limping along, but I'm not as upset as I had been. I could blame some of it on post partum depression, but that would be a total cop out. When things get tough, you are suppose to shoulder into it, not crumble into a whimpering mass and give up. So, I am trying to dust myself off and put on a brave face. Cooking and baking are good stress relievers, and playing with the kiddos and enjoying my new baby are good for the soul. I still feel a little abandoned by God, but I'm working through it. I am thankful for friends who care and have given words of encouragement. I guess, these are growing pains, and I am maybe growing into a new phase. I just need more faith and trust, both are hard to come by with my history. Thankfully, there is an abundance of mercy, whether I deserve it or not, I have it, and am grateful.
“For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” Ephesians 6:12
The following is a video with a song I feel like I can relate to (the video is beautifully heartbreaking as well). It is actually from the father's point of view, but the words are so familiar. This is how I felt with Connor's diagnosis and the beginning of my struggles with my faith that have never abated. Just hoping there can be understanding there.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Oh, Laurie. I am so sorry you've been struggling with this. I have prayed for you for a while now, only knowing you are a new mommy of three and that is so hard! I didn't see your previous post until tonight. You are so sweet and honest in your writings. You are also so correct that the Father never falters. God is always there, he has been observing you~waiting for you to rely on Him for everything. Just know, we all falter, the human side of us must in order to be lifted back up! I am so much happier when I give up control to Him, something I work on every day for sure.
I like to remember this...who am I to deserve such a blessed life? I have abundant water for drinking, cleaning, bathing. None of my family members are fighting AIDS on a down-spiraling daily basis. I am allowed an opinion, allowed to express my faith, allowed to worship in public...who am I, to have been so blessed? I don't deserve any more than a poor soul in war-engulfed countries or "stricken" Haiti! Yet, so many in the midst of true dispair have faith that could move mountains. Blessings abound, whether they are visible or not. Thankfully, humbly, all I wish is to sit at His feet~with not a care in the world, in a NEW without...all of this. :) Isn't that amazing to think of? All of this does not matter in the end. There is a war going on for our souls...and our children's souls. World, devil, and more. He will prevail and our job, if you will, is to make sure our children know God and His grace and mercy! Keep your eye on the skies sweetness. Thinking of you and all you do for your sweet little family up their WAY to far away from here. :) ~S.

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