An Epiphany Inspired By Life

I'm going to delve into a very emotional topic. Just fair warning. This is a very personal account and I have no reason to embellish or lie. This is my story and I've stuck to it for 13 years. Take it or leave it, but I hope that it inspires or helps you find answers to the questions you have not easily Googled.

*Deep Breath*

I haven't always been so strongly against abortion. I didn't really have a feeling about it one way or another. It just wasn't on my radar. I was raised in a Christian home, but it wasn't a topic discussed specifically. So when my husband and I got pregnant for the first time, it wasn't under duress that we found out. We were in a good place so feeling trapped or overwhelmed wasn't something we experienced with the knowledge that we were about to have a baby. We were overjoyed.

I am Type I Diabetic and so considered high risk. We were trying to get pregnant so I was keenly aware to any changes and would immediately take the home pregnancy test. It took some time to get pregnant and I was starting to worry it wouldn't happen for us. But it did and we were ecstatic. I went to the doctor and confirmed it really early (barely 4 weeks), but this was a doctor appointment made just a week prior. I had to travel to see specialists and there were lots of tests early on and we told our parents. I know, they say to wait just in case, but we were too excited and couldn't imagine anything bad happening.

At about my 6th week, I woke up at about 4am, in a pool of blood. We knew what it meant and I immediately started crying. We called the ER to let them know we were on our way. Luckily, that was about 5 minutes because we lived in a small seaside town. The doctor was kind, and very gentle. She forlornly gave me the news. I had to come back the next day for an ultra sound and then D&C. They allowed me to clean up, gave me scrubs to wear home, and we left.

We lived in a cute little cottage on the water. To get to it, we had to walk down a boardwalk from the parking area. We walked in silence. My heart was torn up. I couldn't cry anymore. I was thinking in my head that I just wanted to drink whatever we had in the house and obliterate the pain. I wanted to black out and forget. This is what it feels like when someone says they feel "gutted". I felt empty where my heart should be. I kept hearing this voice in my head and thought I was going crazy.

"I'm still here!"  "It's okay! I'm still here!"

Soft and quiet. I was instantly mad at God. I said in my head, "Years of never hearing you despite begging to hear your voice and NOW you want to talk? Go away!" But the voice didn't go away until I fell asleep. Crying again. I never drank a thing. I was too tired. The effort felt like too much.

Later that morning I had a whole day to simmer in my grief before I went to my appointment the next day. My parents came by to console me. My husband's parents brought flowers. My husband was commercial fishing at that time, and was working to prep the boat, so he was busy during the day. I was alone. Half sad. Half angry. It wasn't fair! I heard that voice still pleading they were "still here" throughout the day. I think it was the only reason I didn't take the opportunity to drink again. I slept off and on.

The next morning my husband dropped me off at the hospital and told me he would be there for the appointment as soon as he could. He had to go to the boat, check on some things and let the rest of the crew know what was up. I trudged to the waiting room and sat. Soon I was brought back to the ultrasound room. The tech was very solemn and kind. I laid there. Waiting to hear that, yes, my baby was dead....

"Wait... I think... there's.... THERE'S A HEARTBEAT! THERE'S A BABY STILL THERE!!"

I almost fell off the table. He jumped up, told me he had to get the doctor and ran out. I was in shock. I started to cry and right then my husband walked in. The look on his face was fear because he thought my tears meant something worse had happened. When I told him, "WE'RE STILL PREGNANT!!" I saw him tremble slightly before he rushed to me. The doctor came in with a full smile and tears in her eyes. She told us that this happens far more often than people realize and her experience taught her to always do an ultrasound to verify there is no life before proceeding with the D&C. She explained that we had most likely had twins and one, for whatever reason, died. I was sent home on temporary bed rest. 

Our First Born, Russell

Seven months later, I gave birth to Russell. My smiley sweet boy. It was when I was holding him for the first time, something happened. I don't know how to describe it, except like a spark going off right between my eyes, but in my head. I heard the voice, "I'm still here!". It was a memory, but from familiarity. I looked at this new baby boy and it struck me that HE had been reassuring me that he was still alive. I just didn't realize it consciously.

So early on, in the womb, his spirit was present. I have no doubt it was him trying to talk to me and in some way, I think he was the only reason I didn't fully give up.

When Russell was 3yo, he started verbalizing about a sister in heaven. We had never told him he was a twin. So this was amazing to us. Family swore to us they hadn't mentioned it. They didn't see the reason for it. To this day, around his birthday, he'll make a comment about his sister in heaven. So how has this shaped my feelings about abortion?

Life is precious. There is a soul from the very beginning. You cannot convince me otherwise. You can believe me or not. But this is my personal experience and for the rest of my life, I will speak out against the horrors of abortion. Thank you for listening to my story. I hope you found the answers to the difficult questions you had. I hope I inspired you. I hope you take the time to think about this issue, and at least, research more deeply and ignore the emotional shouts from either side of this issue. Seek the truth urgently. The truth, truly will, set you free. 

  

Baby #3 No Longer A Baby...

"Lookit mah button!"

My feisty and independent little ham, Lachlan, turns 3 years old today. He is a challenging little sprite who is mischievous and wild, but a total sweetheart who loves his dog (and she loves him like her own puppy) and keeps me on my toes.

"Zoom Zoom!"

He loves constructions rigs. Specifically "diggers" and dump trucks. He loves trains, especially the train table at the Kalispell Library. He is a daddy's boy all the way and will happily spend hours tinkering around with daddy at the shop. His eyes light up when he hears the 4wheeler start up and he squeals with abandon when riding with daddy.

His brothers adore him, though not when he destroys their lego creations. They sneak him treats, take him on adventures outside, and cuddle with him during movies. Lachlan and Russell (1st born) have a special connection. He has thrown himself between Russell and Connor (2nd born) when they've fought and cries, "Don't hit my Susso!!"

Unimpressed with the Interloper

Lachlan, initially unsure of the new baby, has just begun to bond with Brennen, and will bring him toys, and retrieve his pacifier when it is dropped (Mom! Brennen's nuk!). He was tickled to realize Brennen is a boy, while supervising a diaper change: "Mom, look! Brennen has a baby peepee!" then laughs maniacally.

My third son, who was a joy to bring into this world, and has been so fun to watch grow and become a silly upstart of a little boy. With all your endearing quirks and zeal for life, I am so blessed to be your mother and thank God for your precious soul! On this happy anniversary of the day you were born... Today, we salute you!

Happy Birthday Lachlan!

Bringing Baby Earthside

Here are some pictures from the birth that one of the nurse's took for us. They're surreal to look at. I wanted a natural birth, but because of some scary medical stuff, an emergency c-section was required. Still, it was the best it could be. The staff were so amazing. I feel blessed to have been able to deliver at North Valley Hospital in Whitefish, MT.

So, here they are, in order...

Under the knife!

He came out, eyes wide open.

Cutting the cord.

 

Squalling for momma.

He was so calm in daddy's arms.

 

As with all my babies, they are tear inducing, beautiful to see.

It has been a struggle, but with so many joys, to soften the difficulties. He needed oxygen, and glucose because his blood sugars wouldn't maintain. He showed signs of an unidentified infection, but he was strong and we only had to stay for about 2 weeks.

His older brothers visited him and were so protective and loving from the get go (Lachlan was too little, but saw him when he was in my room to nurse).

At just a week, we got to take pictures. Here is just one from a series of lovely pictures taken at the hospital, by Lot 22...

He has been so fun to watch grow. He loves our dog Cocoa and she loves him back. Connor is the one he practically leaps to now, because he makes him giggle. Chloe loves him too, but only when he's sleeping and can't pull her fur.

 

Lachlan wasn't too impressed with Brennen, who showed he had spunk and a bit of humor from the very start. They get along a little better, though Lachlan still gets possessive of daddy from time to time.

He is such a smiley baby!

Cute as a button!

 I am blessed with four sons, and this last one, I am soaking up all the babyness of him! God took care of us when my medical issues threatened to be overwhelming. I thank Him for all my blessings, big and small.

Baby Bell #4 Arrives!

I have been remiss in keeping up with my blog! However, I have a very good explanation. First, just trying to keep up with three boys, while running a household that also includes a dog, cat (that just had kittens) and chickens as well as homeschooling two of the older boys, is most definitely a full time job. Add to that, pregnancy (while being type I diabetic), and managing my 7yo's diabetes and well, it's pretty much organized chaos all the time.

So, things got more complicated when I started showing early signs of pre-eclampsia. It seemed to be fairly under control, until I went into labor. The doctor thought I was barely 38 weeks, but in the end, we found out I was just 36 weeks, so much earlier than expected.

I went into the hospital and labored for more than a day, but there was no progression, except that my blood pressure was dangerously high and baby's heart beat was dipping too low for comfort, with every contraction. Exhausted and scared, I was told that baby might not survive a natural birth and I might not either, as I was now at risk for seizures. Thankfully, my husband was there to give the immediate go ahead on a c-section. It wasn't what I wanted, but it had to be done to save our baby, and myself.

The doctors and nurses were amazing and so caring. Before my husband could come be with me during the procedure, the anesthesiologist was so reassuring, and the doctor talked me through every step. A nurse took pictures during the procedure so I could look back on what happened. They were simple and modest. At 8:22 am on April 30th, our sweet baby Brennen came into the world, bright eyed and squalling. My smallest baby at 6lbs 11oz and 19 1/4 in.

Brennen had some breathing issues, and his blood sugars didn't want to maintain. There appeared to be an unknown infection causing his little system to work harder than he could keep up with and I wasn't able to nurse him right away. It was so hard to see him, hooked up to monitors and with an IV in his arm (later in his foot when the IV blew). His heels were so terrible looking from all the blood sugar checks and my heart hurt when I heard him crying from my room.

The nurses were like close friends, rather than medical personnel. They hugged me and told me it would be okay. God heard so many prayers for his recovery, because I was eventually able to nurse him with no trouble and his vitals began to improve. He roomed with me for that last couple nights of our hospital stay and now, I want to never let him cry or be hurt. Our family is complete and together finally and I don't want to change a thing.

The boys love their new brother and even Lachlan (2yo) has learned to say "Baby Brennen" and strokes his hair lovingly. I am so very blessed to have such a beautiful and loving family!

Baby Bell #4

Yes, you read that title correctly. We are now expecting another baby in May 2012. Surprised? We were a little, but not really. We have been using Natural Family Planning since having Lachlan and the month we conceived, my husband and I had sort of playing this "should we or shouldn't we" game. My cycle had been a little wonky end of July and into August, so I think it was a combination of playing Russian Roulette (so to speak) and that, that created this pleasant surprise.

My husband was a little surprised, but happy and said, "Well, we did want to try for a girl one last time." Speaking of gender, I searched online for various ways to up the possibility for a girl as well and gender predictors. Through a fertility clinic I found a link to a fertility  doctor's suggestions on how to conceive a girl. I found that our guessed conception time/method indicated a high result for girl. Also,  a Chinese birth calendar used for centuries with a 97% accuracy rate, also indicated a girl for us. So maybe this is finally it! After three fantastic boys, I will get a girl. Of course, she will most likely be rough and tumble just like her brothers, so girly isn't expected. I've also been made to promise that no Barbies will be purchased or accepted for this potential girls (by the men of the house), but that isn't a promise I will find hard to keep, since I abhor the idea of Barbie and all the concepts she embodies.

So, we are all freshly excited by the news. We decided to share our news with the grandparents, on Grandparent's Day. My hubby called his parents and had the kids share the news, as well as a package of cards for the occasion were sent. For my parents, a similar package of cards was hand delivered, along with a game for the kids to play. We didn't tell them, but I put two betting tickets (originally for a horse race) I photoshopped to make them gender betting tickets, in one card. They were pretty slow to pick up on it, but as the gears started turning, the kids couldn't stand it anymore and yelled "We're having another baby!" to which my mom almost dropped the fish she was pulling out of the oven, and squealed with glee.

It will be so nice to be closer to family and I am hoping some of my husband's family will be able to visit near the birth date. So, I am looking forward to another blessing and praying for God to help me grow in my ability to homeschool and raise my kids, while tending to another baby and toddler. All things are possible through Him!

Watching Them Grow

They are growing too fast! I can't keep up!

No, not the weeds in my garden, my boys. If I could go back and soak up a little more time with those chubby faces, I would. Now, I am watching my baby turn into a toddler. He is just so adorable! Seems only yesterday, he was a big roundness in my belly, then a squirming babe in my arms. Now, he is taking off, squealing at the cat and telling daddy (in his own way) not to go. The other day, my dad came over and Lachlan walked up to him, pointed to his eye as he said, "I" and then pointed up to him and said, "See!" Wow. He is growing up too fast!

Lachlan 2010

2011

My older two are no exception. I have been looking at old pictures and getting misty eyed over videos of them when they were tiny. What's a mother to do?

 

2011

Connor 2004

Finally, my oldest son is becoming too old to hold my hand! We were crossing a street and I held my hand out to him and he says, "Mom! I'm too old to hold your hand! It's embarrassing!" Dash my heart to pieces!! Did he really say, holding my hand was embarrassing? I guess you cannot stop the progression of a growing child. Just hold onto those precious memories fast. Because, before you know it, they are too old to hold onto those apron strings, and it's time to let them go...

Russell 2004

2011

        

Silver Ribbons of Motherhood

In our house, my husband and I have raised our children to love the bodies God made for them. My oldest is tall and muscular. My second son is shorter and a little rounder. From the time they were tiny, we would stroke their bellies and say, "Nice tummy." lovingly to them. To this day, we reinforce the opinion, that whether flat or round, tummies are all nice. We are all made differently and wonderfully ("... for I am fearfully and wonderfully made..." Psalm 139:14) and to make fun of someone or hate yourself because the outward appearance is different, would be terribly wrong. Not just for the emotional pain it inflicts, but because it is false. Magazines, movies and television sell us falsehoods that tear down our society one child's confidence at a time. Pregnancy is a wonderful tool to teach our children, that our bodies change and are special in all it's forms, not to be mocked. I came to this conclusion a long time ago. But let me start from the beginning....

I distinctly remember, as a child, playing with my mother and at one point, her shirt was lifted up a little to expose her belly. My mother is so beautiful, with olive skin and in that moment, I immediately noticed light silvery lines on her belly. I remember touching them, they were soft as silk, and asking her what they were, concerned because they looked like "owies". She told me how, when I was growing inside her, and getting bigger and bigger, her skin had to stretch to hold me. I don't remember anymore of the conversation, except that she had this soft loving smile on her face that was heavy with love and her voice was light with emotion. In that moment, I felt so wanted and special without realizing the depth of it all.

Today, as I write this, I have my third son wrapped on my body sleeping peacefully. When my belly began to swell beyond question of my condition, my first two sons were fascinated. My eldest would hug and nuzzle my belly, saying "I love you." first to me, and then into my belly. My second would put his hands on either side of my belly and pat it saying, "I love your tummy!". The growing belly of a woman with child is a magical thing. The ultimate in wonderfully wrapped and mysterious gifts, waiting to be opened to reveal the precious contents inside. Children are in wonder and awe. Even when they don't say anything, children I passed in the grocery store or on the side walk would slow, their eyes grow big and lips slightly part in a silent expression of wonder. It hit me even harder, how beautiful and special pregnancy is, one night at dinner. My eldest turned to me and said, "I love you, and the person inside you." Then my youngest got up, laid his head on my belly and said into it, "I love you, and the person holding you."

After I had my newest bundle, there was a little twang of sorrow right after giving birth, as the belly deflates and is empty. I missed that feeling of fullness. Yet that feeling leaves so quickly, as you hold that tiny squirming bundle. As I healed, I seemed more aware of my belly this time. A few more stretch marks, things that once were firm, now soft. I stood before the mirror, holding a sleeping bundle, gazing at my form. The door opened, it was my second son come to tell me he loves me before he goes to school. He put his hands on my soft belly and said, "No baby in there." then looked up at me with a huge grin, putting his cheek on my belly, "I love your big, not so big tummy, mommy." then skipped out. I never thought I would be okay with my form in it's current state. However, I have come to realize that it is a moving record of our family. Each child has etched the beginning of his life in my skin and as I touch those soft silvery ribbons, I am reminded of the life I've brought into this world and how precious it is, from the very beginning.

Psalm 139:14-16 "Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous--and how well I know it. You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed."

Written as a project for "Save Our Daughters" through  The Shape of A Mother website. Check them out!

BEWARE! Hawaiian Tropic Baby Creme Sunscreen SPF 50 Is EVIL!

DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT PUT THIS TOXIC CRAP ON YOUR KIDS!!!

Okay, so the weather had been really awesome for the past few days, and having a redhead who burns and the oldest in danger of tanning himself into blackness I was rushed to find a sunscreen because they were begging to go outside. We try to do sunscreen AND coverage to protect their skin. I was at the grocery store already and a new Hawaiian Tropic sunscreen caught my eye. My assumption was that, if it is marketed for babies, it should be gentle and safe. Boy, was I WRONG!

I put it all over their faces, back of the neck, ears (behind the ears too), neck and under the chin. Then, they donned wide brimmed hats and ran outside. Within an hour, their cheeks were looking pink, which had me concerned, but for the wrong reason. I thought they were getting overheated running around. I called them in and had them take a break. Before my eyes, it got worse from there. They would have been better off with no sunscreen, getting a little burned! Russell's ears actually blistered and three days later, his cheeks are still inflamed and his ears are swollen and blistered.

 
 
 
 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
I contacted the company (still have yet to hear from them) and am warning anyone with kids to be careful. If you have used this without incident, lucky you! I wouldn't wish this on anyone, much less any child.

In the meantime, check the right hand side of the screen.... under my "About Me" section, you will see a widget for checking your sunscreen. Currently (5/11/2010), they have the 2010 update still pending, but you can at least see what are safer options. Sunscreens are rated for effectiveness and toxicity. I am definately going to check this site before purchasing again. In the meantime, it's wide brimmed hats and long sleeves here!

Baby Bell - ETA: Approximately 8 wks

We're in the homestretch baby!

I've been getting Braxton Hick's contractions lately. Rather obnoxious too. I was a little worried after my last ultrasound, because she said my cervix was thinning out. It should be 3cm but was at 2.8cm . Not a huge change, but she said it was early for any changes of that nature. So, I went to see my doctor and he did a check and asked a bunch of questions. He's really nice and so easy to talk to. He explained that since this is my third pregnancy, those BH contractions can be more intense, and that he figured a margin of error, of two weeks put me in the right time frame for things to start getting ready.

Whew!

See, if I were to go into labor before the 35 wk point, I would get flown out to Anchorage and I do NOT want to do that! Not that Anchorage is bad, I just want to stay close to home and be able to just drive three minutes to get home afterwards. No packing suitcases, or going through security. Too much stress to deal with that would steal some of the enjoyment.

The ultrasound included some 3D images that I thought I would share. I realize every mother finds her children beautiful, cute, or amazing, but I think this one is going to be another good looking Bell baby.




The consesus is that this one is another boy, but my mom is holding onto the hope that it's a girl. I guess we've got a 50/50 chance right? I sure am looking forward to meeting this little one.