Let us all come together now, and commiserate over the days that bring us to our knees and have us ugly crying and screaming, "Uncle! UNCLE!!!!"
I'm usually pretty hard knuckled about adversity. I will fight through it. Brave face and all, insisting that, EVENTUALLY, we WILL see the end to this tunnel and we only have to press on and make it through and we'll be rewarded. Sometimes it pans out, or something better comes along so it doesn't sting so much or at all when we have to shift gears.
Sure, I'll vent on Facebook (avert your judgy eyes elsewhere), because that's what we do, right? It feels reassuring to have people tell you it's going to work out and to just keep pressing through.
Normally, I can hold my family up and keep them going until things finally work out, one way or another. This time... this time was different. Guess what, I have no bothers to give either. It's my pity party and I'm going to piss and moan about it if I want to, while drinking an entire bottle of wine by myself.
Housing is just a total crapshoot in this town. Seriously. Every posting on the "Buy Sell Lease" local pages is the same thing over and over. Someone posts a place for rent, and there are literally 100+ comments that are often times, people tagging a person or numerous people in it because they are
needing housing, OR asking "is this still available?" and the desperation is palpable. I say this with no judgements because I know the struggle. The desperation. I've been homeless with my family and IT. SUCKS. Right now, we have the landlady from hell and a rental that has been one insane moment to the next, a testament to how badly our city needs slumlord laws.
Tell me, does the smell of sewer gases sound delightful to you? No? Well in our landlady's opinion, we should be more grateful to even have a place, that we should either, just live happily amidst the smell of sh*t or, trust God (because that's what us religious folk do) and move out because God will magically deliver housing to us, our four children and two dogs (not mentioning the mounds of material human possessions we've collected over the years) right at the moment we walk out the door.Riiight... she actually used an analogy of Indiana Jones, trusting with a leap of faith that looked like he would be falling into a never ending pit. Because fictional adventure movies are totally how it works in real life.
(do I sound bitter? Angry? HANGRY?)
So today, after filling out the 20th rental application (why can they not have a database for all seeking shelter to fill out a uniform application available to all legit landlords? Why the eff do they all have to be only slightly different? Why must I go through this stupid process over and over and over and over again ad nauseum???!!!) I just hit a brick wall and felt so overwhelmed with how ridiculous this whole process is. I feel like I'm on a terrible version of The Bachelor, waiting for some glorified frat boy to deem me worthy of a rose. Sadly, I'm watching all the shallow self serving bitches, who don't really NEED a man, but nonetheless are there being picked over me, who actually cares and needs the security.
It's utterly unfair, but a game I've been playing out for so long, I just hit my "I'm out" moment. Other people in the house have had their tantrum moments and I've been trying hard to be the strong one. Today however, I am throwing in the towel, at least for a day or two. I'm so over the bs that comes with trying to pimp myself to potential landlords. We're not polished and perfect, but dammit we try and why can't we just be given a chance? I'm done hearing another turn down speech, wherein the landlord tells me, "We've decided to go with another candidate, but we'll keep you in our prayers." as if it isn't total irony that I've been praying fervently for safe housing, and YOU could have answered my prayers, but instead, you'll give me empty words and rejection. Thanks, but you can keep that sentimental bs. We both know you won't give a second thought to me or my family once the chosen ones have signed the rental agreement and you have first, last and deposit, safely in your bank account.
So I may or may not have walked over to the local pub, so conveniently next to the grocery store I was shopping at, and sipped a shot of Jameson whiskey. Maybe I even followed it up with a clove cigarette. Then downed over half a bottle of sweet delicious malbec wine at dinner while offering surly remarks about the economy and evil landlords. My husband thinks it's funny because I rarely give no f**ks so openly. But here I am.
As Pink so eloquently put it in her ode to walking away from negativity, "I've had a shit day."
So for all you moms, struggling to do everything for your family and hitting brick wall after brick wall: I Feel You Sister.
Keep fighting through the desire to pull a Thelma and Louise, clutching your favorite bottle of wine and go flying off the nearest cliff. I'm right there with you, hanging by my fingernails to the edge of my sanity, waiting for the tiniest karmic boost that will help me get just a little closer to saving myself from the abyss. No judgements here. None.