Losing Sleep....

There are so many reasons why a person can have difficulty getting the sleep that every body needs in order to continue functioning at optimum levels. Moms adapt to less sleep out of survival of her young as well as herself. Yet, the one that is getting me now, is absolutely crushing me.

Stress. The dark unknown of things I have no control over. I toss and turn, evaluating how I went about a situation, and if there was something more I could have said or done. I pray for peace, and it usually helps, but this is a worry that is deep and sustained.

I know I'm not the only one. I am sure there are many husbands and wives, suffering battle fatigue from keeping a happy face on for the kids, despite the crush of financial turmoil. Unemployment brings more than just the concern for affording basics, but also concerns for what may happen sooner, rather than later as our government spends money like it really does grow on trees.

In August, I found out I was pregnant. Not exactly planned, but we take the Lord's blessings and are thankful for the chance to have another precious baby in our lives to add to our already happy brood. We just moved, and were struggling financially and being type I diabetic adds it's own kind of complications. I had been getting by, minimally checking my blood sugars (glucose strips cost around $50/mo.) and skimping on insulin by not eating breakfast or just running a little higher than I should (Lantus $250/mo and Humalog $95-$200/mo). I also take thyroid medication, which luckily isn't terribly expensive, in fact, it's the only truly affordable med I have ($12/3mo supply). As a diabetic, you are suppose to see a doctor every three mos just to check your blood work as see if you are taking the right amount of insulin and since I have a thyroid issue, that needs to be checked as well (average lab cost every three mos: $400). So, I bit the bullet and applied for medicaid.

The first time was the last week of August. I waited for the letter of approval in the mail, and didn't get anything. I was told not to call and bother them because they had such a high case load and that they had a maximum of 45 days to complete the process. After the 45 days, I called when I never received a letter. Long story short, they lost my paperwork that I had brought in and handed to them. So I was denied for failure to provide proof of pregnancy. I refiled, this time it took 4 MONTHS. Four long months of walking in more and more information. I was ultimately denied, because the property we have in Alaska, was determined to be a resource more than the allowable $3K. This is because the case worker found a property (not ours) that was selling for $100K. The other issue I struggled with, was the last day I dealt with the case worker, she requested I bring in proof of the tax liens (over 55K) and an ad showing what we were selling the property for (58K) which would have shown our "resources" to be less than the $3K maximum allowed. I received a letter that was sent the day she requested info (I walked in said info the very next day), that denied me based on excessive resources that she hadn't even received the proof of yet.

So, I filed a complaint and dispute and refiled for medicaid November 23rd. It is now January and they still have yet to come to a conclusion. I have four months left to this pregnancy and have been squeaking by medically, though, I went to see a doctor, had labs done and an ultra sound because, I couldn't imagine being denied since Chad is making around 2K/mos, which is WELL BELOW the income level allowed (allowed to make 3K/mo). Now, I have the collectors calling wanting to be paid (haven't had the courage to add up the current expenses I've accrued), and I can't sleep at night. I am so stressed, I swear, it's a miracle that blood isn't shooting out of my eyes right now.

What gets me, is that they can count property at all (that isn't income producing like land you rent out). In this economy, we've tried and failed to sell for four years, dropping the price significantly. On top of that, the IRS is waiting, like a rabid wolf, just outside the door to gobble up anything we make on it, so even if it sells, we won't get much. It's like saying, "Hey, you COULD win the lottery at some point and so, we can't help you even though you are unemployed and struggling to pay bills with a baby on the way. You are just TOO flush with POTENTIAL money." As I read the letter I got from an application for food stamps, it states that "should your income situation change for better or worse, you are to contact the Office of Public Assistance within 10 days and provide supporting documentation for a reevaluation. Failure to do so is considered a felony." it makes me wonder, why this wouldn't fall into the same category.

So, I'm sitting by the phone, surviving on just a few hours of sleep, waiting for the case worker to call me back so I can get her, yet more information to help her determine if we are truly in need of assistance. I just.... can't take it anymore.

The Joy and the Struggle

I am up too late, after packing for a short trip I am about to take my son on. My six year old, redheaded, type I diabetic son. His life is about to get easier, thanks to qualifying for Denali Kidcare, and his doctors approving his request for an insulin pump. Specifically, an amazing one from Animas. It's bittersweet, because I had a pump at one time, but due to lack of support in the small town where I was at, I had a malfunction with the pump that nearly killed me. I kept the darn thing... I'm not sure why, until this summer. I looked at my husband and said, "Just throw it away I guess." Then I found out I could have turned it in for a new one. My heart broke. An insulin pump would give me so much better control, and to go through it with Connor would have been so great. Guess you can't cry over what has been done.

Insulin pumps are crazy expensive. Even when I looked at refurbished ones, the cheapest still came to over $900. Maybe, if we aren't in dire straights again when the next PFD comes around, I could get one. But then, I always find that the kids need something, or bills need to be paid. I wish medical care wasn't so expensive. I wish insurance companies were more affordable and didn't shut out those of us with pre-existing conditions.

So, later today, my son will hopefully start a new chapter, that will give him near perfect control that will add years to his life and prevent any complications. My hope for him, is that his life will draw a little closer to normal and he won't feel so left out when there are special foods during celebrations, or have to compromise and decide whether or not a treat is worth getting a shot. I hope even more, that we will be able to prevent the low blood sugars that robbed me of much of my sight. This is huge and I wish everyone with type I diabetes, all kids and mothers who have this unfair disease could have a pump. It should be standard after proving ability to properly utilize it.

So, wish us luck. This is a huge step. I am a little scared, but so much more excited... and envious. Maybe someday, a pump of my own will be within my grasp.

Faith Can Falter... but the Father Never Does

As made aware in a previous posting, I have had a big struggle with my faith. A lot seemed to happen in quick succession and it's so hard to bounce back from so many hits. I'm surprised it took me so long to finally say "uncle". I'm ashamed that I did, but then, we are all human and can only take so much. I am still limping along, but I'm not as upset as I had been. I could blame some of it on post partum depression, but that would be a total cop out. When things get tough, you are suppose to shoulder into it, not crumble into a whimpering mass and give up. So, I am trying to dust myself off and put on a brave face. Cooking and baking are good stress relievers, and playing with the kiddos and enjoying my new baby are good for the soul. I still feel a little abandoned by God, but I'm working through it. I am thankful for friends who care and have given words of encouragement. I guess, these are growing pains, and I am maybe growing into a new phase. I just need more faith and trust, both are hard to come by with my history. Thankfully, there is an abundance of mercy, whether I deserve it or not, I have it, and am grateful.

“For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” Ephesians 6:12

The following is a video with a song I feel like I can relate to (the video is beautifully heartbreaking as well). It is actually from the father's point of view, but the words are so familiar. This is how I felt with Connor's diagnosis and the beginning of my struggles with my faith that have never abated. Just hoping there can be understanding there.

It Ends Here

So, despite everything I've done:

• nursing every two hours
• pumping after every nursing session
• taking fenugreek, blessed thistle, lecithin, brewer's yeast, mother's milk tea
• eating oatmeal in every form imaginable
• implemented breast compression
• tried every baby hold on to get him to latch

Nothing. Absolutely nothing. My milk diminishes every day despite everything I've done and I am so over it now. Formula is so (insert expletive here) expensive and inadequate, it's killing me to have to go to it. I have two other boys that I haven't been as there for because all I do is THIS in an attempt to find success in breast feeding, who need me. I have stress up to my eyeballs, financially thanks to the IRS and stupid mistakes I made with credit cards. I just can't deal with it anymore.

To top it all off, I started thinking about how much I prayed and had faith that God had His hand in our lives and was steering us in the right direction. Yet, with all the prayer and trying to do what He wanted, I see, we don't have anything. Our life wouldn't be any different, if I hadn't wasted all those tears and hours, every day praying for God to just show us the way and see to maybe throwing us a bone from time to time. Well, what has that gotten me? False hope. I feel like a fool in front of my husband, because for so long, I would tell him, "Well, God has something better. That's why that didn't work out. Let's just shake off the disappointment and keep praying and following Him." To what? Nothing. Nothing better has ever come. We've come within touching distance of a dream we had spent years praying for, it looks like God's hand has been in everything leading up to the final moment.... and it is snatched away. Feels like a great cosmic punk. So, I had a talk, with whatever entity we were swearing fealty to for so long (if there even IS one) and told him, her, or it that I was done. Out. I have officially had my fill of God. What has He done for me? Was there any response? No. Was I surprised? I guess I was hoping that finally, I would hear that audible voice telling me that it would all be okay and to not be troubled. But no. Silence. That was my answer. Either there is nothing up there to respond, or the great spirit in the sky could care less.

Let's recount... I was diagnosed with type I diabetes. I prayed, throwing myself on the alter night after night at church, begging for God to heal me. Nothing. Then, with my marriage came dealing with the ugly IRS who now, is perched, about to take everything from us. My first born was ill and created this ugly strife between me and some family who stomped the crap out of my self esteem and joy despite how hard I worked (with all my kids) to ensure his health. My second child is diagnosed with type I diabetes at three years old. We move, thinking we are following God's will for where he wanted us. It seems like a blessing, then when we are about to buy a house, the IRS jumps up and slaps our credit into oblivion (I don't think it is repairable now). No house. The money quickly dwindles away. We have been trying to sell our property for years, and get to the point where we are about to sign and have money in our hands, and the buyer drops the deal. My third son, gets reflux and refuses to nurse. Refuses me completely. I feel dejected and abandoned. I have prayed my last prayer. I pray and pray and spout faith and keep turning to Him, and I get nothing. Something, anything, no matter how small, HAS to happen for us. Something finally good. Right? Right.

So, my faith, along with my milk has officially dried up. I just do not have the emotional capacity for it anymore. It would have to be a big sign at this point, to make me believe, that all that time was worth it. That someone out there really does have the best of intentions for us. At the moment, I think everything we actually did receive, was only due to our sweat and tears. Not prayer. Hey, maybe some time will go by and I will see a sign and realize I was wrong. Then again, pigs may fly. If I am struck down by lightning now, I can only imagine it to be the most extreme coincidence ever.

The Struggle With Faith Against Insurmountable Odds

I am at a difficult place. I am questioning my worth as a spiritual being and the responsibilities as a wife, mother, citizen. Our family finds itself choking on debt. We have assets that the economy our esteemed leader has thrown us into, has rendered either worthless, or unattainable for a reasonable price. Our needs pile higher than our income and I find myself struggling with my faith that God will see us through and deliver us on the other side, to a place of comfort. Harder still, the difficult task of trying to keep my husband's eyes towards heaven, as opposed to being dragged down by frustration, and despair.

How can I continue to tell him, "God will see us through. It will be okay." When in my heart, I feel doubt, like the cold fingers of winter, creeping around my heart to crush it. Out of the depths of sorrow and the most harsh circumstances, I have seen miracles arise and wonder, "When will our time come?" "Have I not been faithful enough?"

Such doubts swirl in my mind, like the dust motes rising and falling in the sunshine on a silent afternoon. I feel like I cannot cry, because it would scare my kids and further hurt my husband's pride. I am bound by new life, from working more and harder to assist with our financial need. None of our creditors are feeling generous and in fact, seem bent on extracting more than the previously agreed upon terms had outlined. This financial atmosphere has robbed many of charity, generosity and humanity and I feel so alone, yet surrounded by so many with even more need than I. So, then I feel guilty. I am not in as dire a situation as some, how dare I beg anyone, God or man for assistance and compassion? Yet, here I am. Wishing some mysterious benefactor would hear my plea and cut our debt in half, freeing us to move into a healthier home before the new baby comes, and for my boys to grow in. For the lines of worry and hurt to melt from my husbands face. For the racing of my heart and fear in my mind to pass and feel at peace through this pregnancy. How I wish, just one pregnancy could be without so much inner turmoil. She may never wish to emerge, for fear of what this world may do to her, sensing her mother's anguish from the womb.

Where is my miracle?

Updates Galore

So, I have been decidely absent all this time due to a lot of stuff going on in our household. Some good, some bad. The bad was having the IRS drop the hammer without warning or allowing us time to work out a payment plan. We owe, but we have always gotten a letter saying basically that they received our return and to call to set up a payment. Nothing. Then one day, checks start bouncing and when I call the bank to ask what happened, I am told the IRS put a lean and took all our money. ALL OF IT. Then the checks bounced. I called and told them I had no prior warning. My last conversation I had with the IRS they had not yet received our income, but since it was in the mail, all was good. I told them they couldn't do that without giving us an opportunity to set a payment plan up, so they reversed the levy. That wasn't the end though. You see, $150 in fees for bounced checks were still there, then, the bank charged us a $100 fee which caused three more to bounce. Nice. Stress up to my eyeballs and I am scrambling to do what I can to fix our financial situation.

The one bright spot: I found out I was pregnant. Now, at first I was like "Oh no. We have no money and I need to look for a better paying job or get a raise!" but I realized, God has a plan for us. While it seems scary for the moment, at some point, there is always a break in the storm and we are always better having come through the weather. We are better prepared the next time things get shady and we are basically getting better every time. I wish it didn't have to take such an emotional toll every time, but I guess that is just me needing to have more faith and not let it get to me as much.

So, here is our little peanut's first picture!....



I am hoping to finally have a little girl. I have two boys as you may know and a girl would be fun. Besides, I need someone on my team! However, if I have another boy, I know I will be well taken care of. My two boys are so good to me and always are ready to defend me from daddy's pinches or tickes.

So, to conclude: there is always light at the end of the tunnel. You just have to hold tight to your faith, knowing that there is something greater in store for all of us. Try to find the lesson in the hardships you are going through and use that time to become a better person by the end of the trial. Especially since, you don't want to repeat the experience and we all know, that if you don't learn the first time, you are doomed to go through it again at some point! All is not lost, even though it may be darkest before the dawn, the morning after a storm is always breathtaking and a sigh for the soul.