The Value of Female Friendships

Relationship Research

The Tending Instinct, by Shelley E. Taylor, unlocks some of the mysteries of "women, men, and the biology of our relationships." The need for community with other women is biological; it is part of our DNA. Taylor's book consolidated a variety of studies covering cultural factors, decades of research, anecdotal references – even the biological ties to the girlfriend concept in the animal kingdom. An unending stream of fascinating facts helped define why we as women are more social, more community focused, collaborative, less competitive and, above all, why we need our girlfriends.

Consider these findings:

• Longevity – Married men live longer than single men, yet women who marry have the same life expectancy as those who don't. However, women with strong female social ties (girlfriends) live longer than those without them.
• Stress – For decades, stress tests focused solely on male participants, believing that all humans would respond in the same manner. When these same stress tests were finally conducted on females it was discovered that women don't have the same, classic 'fight or flight' response to stress that men do. According to the research presented in The Tending Instinct, women under stress have the need to 'tend and befriend.' We want to tend to our young and be with our friends. Time with our friends actually reduces our stress levels.
• More Stress - A study conducted by the UCLA School of Medicine found that when we're with our girlfriends, our bodies emit the "feel good" hormone oxytocin, helping us reduce everyday stress. By prioritizing our female friendships and spending time with these friends, we take advantage of a very simple, natural way to reduce our stress.
• Even more stress - Prairie voles, a monogamous rodent, have a similar response to stress. When a male vole is put in a stressful situation, he runs to his female partner. Female voles, when stressed, immediately run to the females they were raised with.
• Self-esteem - A recent study by Dove indicated that 70% of women feel prettier because of their relationships with female friends. It's no surprise that our self-esteem is highly influenced by our girlfriends; this is important to understand for girls as well as women.
• The Health Factor – Women without strong social ties risk health issues equivalent to being overweight or a smoker - it's that serious.

Nurture those friendships and tend to them like you would a garden. Just as a garden can enrich and nourish your family, a quality friendship with another woman can strengthen each woman’s family. I have found personally, a kind of contentedness that falls on me after spending time with a special friend. That feeling carries over when I return to my family and they notice it as well. My husband notes my elevated mood and when the wife/mother is happy, it is far easier for the rest of the family to be at ease. How do those sayings go?

“Happy wife, Happy life.”

“When momma ain’t happy, ain’t no body happy!”

I thank God for the special friendships in my life. They’ve lifted me up and given me another person to fight for. They’ve enriched my life beyond expectation and given unexpected joy that carries me through difficult times. I hope that I give that kind of feeling to the friends I have as well.

A best friend, is a sister destiny forgot to give you.

Without communities of women, we often miss opportunities to be involved in our cities, to learn from each other, to empathize with other women and to share the benefits of laughter and a heart-felt hug.

As women, we sometimes need to be reminded what being a girlfriend means. Too often it takes an illness or loss to hit us with reality, realization, and appreciation of friendship. That reminder can also be as simple as a caring card, a hug or an e-mailed photo. Once in a while we simply need to take the time to think about our friends, stop and live in the moment, and if at all possible, celebrate that moment.

Hear some bad news? Call a girlfriend. Have something great to celebrate? Share that celebration with a friend. Want to feel prettier, be less stressed, be healthier and happier? Spend some time with your BFFs. My dear girlfriends, recognize your own need for friendships and fill that need with time and memories together.

Life is better together – with your girlfriends.

Things We'll Miss

If you missed any part of this ongoing story, go back to "Another Door Opens" to start from the beginning.

So, we are just a short four days from our move to Montana. The computer will get packed up this evening or early tomorrow. So, I might not be able to post any updates until our household arrives in our new place. We are getting a Uhaul and then putting it on the barge to Seattle. It takes up to fourteen days to get there and then my husband will have to go get it and drive it back. I might get a chance for a few mini updates via the library or my mom's computer. However, you can , as that is an easy way to send short updates.

My last post is dedicated to some of the things we'll miss when we move. So let's get started...

1. FRIENDS! Oh we have made many wonderful friends and all of them will be missed so much!! Thankfully we have Facebook, email, blogs and letter writing at our disposal. I will do my best on this side to stay in touch. Promise!
2. Soldotna Bible Chapel. I have never met a more loving and accepting church family that has a heart for it's community and follow God's calling to be in service to the people within that community. We were led to that church by God and were blessed over and over with each person/family we met. We will miss everyone dearly!
3. The community of Soldotna, AK. What a great place to raise a family! We felt like we were home the moment we reached city limits. The city and people have done such a good job making sure that it was a family friendly town and it shows. So many activities all year 'round that you could wear yourself out trying to take part in it all. Our kids saw so many parades and fairs every single year. The schools (specifically Redoubt Elementary) are so great, and even if public school isn't your thing, this area is welcoming and supportive of homeschoolers. If we ever moved again, this would be the place, if God wills it!
4. The Moose Is Loose Bakery. Such wonderful baked goods that are heaven on the tongue! Not just sweet fresh donuts, cakes and cookies, but also amazing breads, and rolls. If ever you get the chance, just passing through or visiting, you HAVE TO go there and have something sweet from this spot. The ladies that work here are lovely and smiley too!
5. The Kenai River. A beautiful treasure. The entire Kenai area protects this valuable resource and works hard to keep it healthy and clean.
6. Alaska. Oh, this great wild state that has been consistently under appreciated and dismissed by uppity up city dwellers and politicians. It's vastness is under estimated and played down by so many. It is both wild and magical in it's people, history and beauty. If you haven't visited yet, put it down on your bucket list (the top ten!) and get here!!
7. The Annual PFD (Permanent Fund Dividend). I can't lie. Having that little boost of cash near the end of the year was a blessing. When times were tough, it got us through. It helped pay bills and pay down debt. It enabled us to give our kids the kind of Christmases they deserved when we didn't think we would be able to afford it. It will be missed!

There is more, but if I went into detail, this post would go on and on and I still have some packing and cleaning to do. I hope, you will subscribe so you can see all the great updates on our adventures in Montana. I'll be posting pictures as we develop the farm and get animals. Our kids are giddy with excitement and can hardly stand the wait. My parents are itchy to hold grandkids in their arms. Farewell to all our friends and family here in the great north. Farewell to the freedom and fierce fighting spirit of independence that this state holds. We travel south to Alaska's cousin, Montana. Similarly beautiful and strong, just a little more tame and settled. Ready or not.... Here we come!

Unforgiveness for the Unforgiven

I lost some friends the other day. It didn't feel very good. I was plagued all night about how I handled things. I am starting to realize the curse of social networking. You think you are staying in contact with friends, but really, everyone is held at arms length.

After debating very hard on an issue that is contentious, but in my opinion, very cut and dry, I couldn't handle the cold, calloused and ugly responses I was getting. So, I couldn't continue a friendship as it was. I made sure though, to tell her I thought it was for the best for the time being, that space would be healing and hoped in time we could start over. She was unhappy, and mean spirited about it all.

The other friend, was someone I admired for her amazing mothering abilities. We didn't have a close relationship as we aren't close geographically, but whenever possible, when I was in her town I tried to get together with her. We had great conversations and our kids got along. I was eager to hear about how she kept things running so well, and she has this great sense of humor. It wasn't always that way, which made it even more important to me. I wish I had been the friend she expected. I'm aware I've always had a tough time with friendships. Especially with women. I moved around so much as a kid, I never was anywhere long enough to make deep connections. So, the friendships that seemed to work and last, were the ones where we could pick up where we left off, though considerable time without contact had occurred. I was never aware that this wasn't desirable. Oh, but there was much more wrong with me than I realized.

I was blindsided when responding to another friend's discussion. Kind of a cool thing was happening in a town I used to live in. A reality show! I am skeptical of those, because it seems the goal of most, is to get as much drama going as possible. That's where the ratings are. So, I warned, tongue in cheek, that they didn't want friends, but drama and that it would be interesting to see the outcome. The response from this mommy friend of mine took me aback. She proudly said that my opinion was why she deleted me a long time ago on a whim. All this time, I had just thought, as was her way, she had deleted her account (which she had done before) or was just not on because she was busy. It became even more upsetting with a message that detailed how she decided: "I asked myself if I would invite this person into my home. The answer was no." I had just been in her home not long ago.

I had tried to be a good house guest helping clear the table, helping get some breakfast for her littlest, never having an inkling I was no longer welcome after that. She accused me of using her, but at the time, I didn't have anywhere to go, needed formula for my baby and my other child was sick. I would have gone to a hotel, but was told at the counter, to wait two hours for the next flight and that there was nothing more they could do for me. She said she had heard otherwise, but I don't know what she meant by that, but it was as I said it happened. I asked for help, and thought it was given freely. I was wrong. I was just relieved for a friend after a scary flight that ended in an emergency landing full of smoke. I guess I was shook up, tired, and ill prepared to not be going home. I handled it poorly, and didn't express myself well. I kind of have trouble with that, when I am stressed out. But I was no less grateful. Still, my presence was not wanted and it was distressing to find out.

She didn't like how negative I was about her hometown. To be fair, a town that never really accepted me. I had tried for years to feel part of the tight nit community. I had some really bad experiences that tainted how I felt about it, and I guess she was right, I was bitter, but hadn't meant to be insulting. I had a couple friends that I cherished for their openness and acceptance, but not many in the 13 years I had lived there. She said, I had also said something inappropriate, that I admit was wrong of me to say. I guess I am kind of a social idiot in that regard. I want to be accepted, to make people laugh. I wish I had my dad's wit and sense of humor, but I really don't. So, sometimes I say something I think others will find funny, and it isn't. I wish I could take it back. I asked for forgiveness.... the answer was, "It's not my way." I was then made aware, that I had a warped impression of friendships, most likely due to wounds inflicted socially. So, I am damaged. Beyond salvage. I couldn't sleep last night. I questioned my ability to be a good friend.

I've been working slowly towards being a better person for a couple weeks. Trying to get to church more often, reading the bible. I recognized I had drawn inward and became pretty snarky about a lot of things. It wasn't always that way. When my family moved to the small island town, I was outgoing, bubbly and happy. I guess I didn't handle the stress of rejection, and humiliation too well. I was a cop's kid. So automatically, many didn't like me without giving me a chance. My outgoing nature was met with snide indifference by a few. I made a few friends outside my class, but after being pushed around for my dad busting a party, and having my locker, and belongings trashed, it was hard to feel accepted. I offered what I could to be part of the gang, but it wasn't meant to be. When I met my husband, I had ended an abusive relationship, and while skiddish, he was different. He made me feel pretty. He looked at me, and not through me. Some of his family didn't like me, still don't, but even though that hurt, he made me feel like no one else mattered.

Searching for my Purpose

I struggled to do everything right, for the approval of a few, and failed. Over and over. As a mother I felt like a failure when breast feeding didn't come easily, and wasn't supported. When another of my children came down with type I diabetes, I felt like I was responsible. A doctor there assured me I was. I grieved. When we moved, it was with the hope that I could start over and make friends without the stigma of my past tainting their view of me. But moving to a new place as an adult is hard. It's hard to put yourself out there and make friends. Everyone is busy, everyone so far apart in their own lives. I tried to stay connected in small ways. I'll give of myself as much as I can. Can I get you a coffee? Cut your hair so you can save money? Sure, drop off your kids so you can shop! It's just not enough I guess. The mistakes of our past are never really forgiven. People smile to your face, and hate you in secret, or hushed huddles. I am flawed. I can be obnoxious, usually when I am nervous, or feel inadequate when in the presence of people who seems so much better than me. I don't really like me. Never really have. I try too hard to be what I think others want me to be, but fall short. Paranoia sets in after a while and I wonder how many more don't really like me, but are too polite to say.

I've been working at it though. I now have goals for each day up on a board. Things that I hope will help me be a better person. I pray for guidance more now. There was a while where I actually didn't trust God. I am trying to again. I guess the conclusion I have drawn, is for those out there, who struggle to make friends and feel alone, before it's too late, make friends with Jesus. He'll make you into the a person who attracts others. That's the only way to  be successful. When you try to conform to what you think others want, or follow the leading of others, you will fail. Be slow to speak. Sometimes, the emptiness of silence can be uncomfortable. Or even the loud boisterous chatter of others. It can lead you to say things you will later regret. I regret much. I am sorry for so many things. I try to never repeat my mistakes and hope that I haven't fallen too far for
 redemption.