The Value of Female Friendships

Relationship Research

The Tending Instinct, by Shelley E. Taylor, unlocks some of the mysteries of "women, men, and the biology of our relationships." The need for community with other women is biological; it is part of our DNA. Taylor's book consolidated a variety of studies covering cultural factors, decades of research, anecdotal references – even the biological ties to the girlfriend concept in the animal kingdom. An unending stream of fascinating facts helped define why we as women are more social, more community focused, collaborative, less competitive and, above all, why we need our girlfriends.

Consider these findings:

• Longevity – Married men live longer than single men, yet women who marry have the same life expectancy as those who don't. However, women with strong female social ties (girlfriends) live longer than those without them.
• Stress – For decades, stress tests focused solely on male participants, believing that all humans would respond in the same manner. When these same stress tests were finally conducted on females it was discovered that women don't have the same, classic 'fight or flight' response to stress that men do. According to the research presented in The Tending Instinct, women under stress have the need to 'tend and befriend.' We want to tend to our young and be with our friends. Time with our friends actually reduces our stress levels.
• More Stress - A study conducted by the UCLA School of Medicine found that when we're with our girlfriends, our bodies emit the "feel good" hormone oxytocin, helping us reduce everyday stress. By prioritizing our female friendships and spending time with these friends, we take advantage of a very simple, natural way to reduce our stress.
• Even more stress - Prairie voles, a monogamous rodent, have a similar response to stress. When a male vole is put in a stressful situation, he runs to his female partner. Female voles, when stressed, immediately run to the females they were raised with.
• Self-esteem - A recent study by Dove indicated that 70% of women feel prettier because of their relationships with female friends. It's no surprise that our self-esteem is highly influenced by our girlfriends; this is important to understand for girls as well as women.
• The Health Factor – Women without strong social ties risk health issues equivalent to being overweight or a smoker - it's that serious.

Nurture those friendships and tend to them like you would a garden. Just as a garden can enrich and nourish your family, a quality friendship with another woman can strengthen each woman’s family. I have found personally, a kind of contentedness that falls on me after spending time with a special friend. That feeling carries over when I return to my family and they notice it as well. My husband notes my elevated mood and when the wife/mother is happy, it is far easier for the rest of the family to be at ease. How do those sayings go?

“Happy wife, Happy life.”

“When momma ain’t happy, ain’t no body happy!”

I thank God for the special friendships in my life. They’ve lifted me up and given me another person to fight for. They’ve enriched my life beyond expectation and given unexpected joy that carries me through difficult times. I hope that I give that kind of feeling to the friends I have as well.

A best friend, is a sister destiny forgot to give you.

Without communities of women, we often miss opportunities to be involved in our cities, to learn from each other, to empathize with other women and to share the benefits of laughter and a heart-felt hug.

As women, we sometimes need to be reminded what being a girlfriend means. Too often it takes an illness or loss to hit us with reality, realization, and appreciation of friendship. That reminder can also be as simple as a caring card, a hug or an e-mailed photo. Once in a while we simply need to take the time to think about our friends, stop and live in the moment, and if at all possible, celebrate that moment.

Hear some bad news? Call a girlfriend. Have something great to celebrate? Share that celebration with a friend. Want to feel prettier, be less stressed, be healthier and happier? Spend some time with your BFFs. My dear girlfriends, recognize your own need for friendships and fill that need with time and memories together.

Life is better together – with your girlfriends.

No Bake Carrot Cake Cream Cheese Bars

I found these wonderful no wheat, low sugar bars on the even more wonderful site The Lean Green Bean and I would love for you to wander that way to see what other wonderful things she has on her web page. Trust me, there are more great recipes and witty commentary to be found.

So, without further ado, here are the wonderful bars I served for Resurrection Sunday:

photo credit to Lindsay at The Lean Green Bean

 No-Bake Carrot Cake Cream Cheese Bars
Makes 9 bars
Bottom Layer

• ½ cup walnuts
• ½ cup almonds
• 1 cup dates, pitted (~20 dates)
• ¼ teaspoon sea salt
• ½ cup carrots, grated

Frosting

• ½ cup 2% greek yogurt, plain
• 2 ounces cream cheese
• 2 tablespoons maple syrup
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract

Topping

• 2 tablespoons coconut, shredded & unsweetened (optional)

Directions
1. Place walnuts and almonds into a sauté pan over medium-high heat.  Constantly stir for ~5 minutes, or until nuts are slightly toasted (be careful not to let them burn).
2. Into a food processor, add toasted nuts, sea salt and dates.  Process until the mixture forms a dough.
3. Place grated carrots into a couple paper towels and squeeze the excess moisture out of the carrots.
4. Dump the shredded/squeezed carrots and the dough into a bowl and combine.  Press dough into a parchment paper lined 8×8-inch dish.
5. Now make your frosting.  In a bowl, use an electric mixer to combine greek yogurt, cream cheese, maple syrup and vanilla.  Mix on high speed until smooth.
6. Spread frosting over pressed out dough.  Sprinkle with coconut.  Allow bars to set in the fridge for at least 1 hour before slicing into 9 bars.

P.S. If you dislike coconut, you can just leave the coconut flakes off.

UPDATE: I added 1tsp cinnamon and 1/2 tsp clove and I'm glad I did. The little addition of spice is more like the carrot cake I have made before. Adjust to your level of spice. I personally would have added a touch more of each and maybe a 1/2 tsp ginger.

photo credit to Lindsay at The Lean Green Bean

OH! You Hypocrites. You Den of Vipers!

 Today, I was a voice crying in a spiritual wilderness, calling out my fellow Christians, while a storm raged in my heart.

(Matthew 23)

The following is a copy of a response to a Craigslist posting in the Rants and Raves section for Seattle that really upset me. The woman was "ranting" about a woman who smelled bad in her church. She admitted to "trying to help her" but that she just couldn't stand it anymore, and her husband had even declared that when they got into their brand new house, she wasn't allowed over. Blood was shooting from my eyes. So I emailed the woman and carefully, lovingly told her that what she was doing was dangerous because it would turn people away from Christ, because OUR actions reflect on Him and the church. She was dismissive and unrepentant. So I posted the following on Craigslist as a response:
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Here, we have a prime example of what is wrong with the church. This is evidence of a blight among Christians that has reached a diseased level of pandemic proportions. If you are a Christian reading this, I want you to first stop before you declare the oft misquoted and misused missive, "Judge not lest yea be judged" or "he without sin cast the first stone" you might want to read the following article, because you are horrifically wrong about what God has called us to do which is judge righteously and with love. So right now, I'll tell you, I am NOT without sin, but as we all have been, am blessed to be given grace, and it is my duty as a fellow Christian, to let you know when you are in the wrong and hope you would do the same for me. Take it with the same grace I give it to you, and use it to make appropriate changes in your life. (link as spoken of):

The Matt Walsh Blog: God WANTS You To Judge

Now, I want to address the issue of a fellow Christian, making the extremely hurtful decision to express their insensitive rant to the entire world about someone who is difficult for them to find Christ-like compassion for. Their husband even being so selfish and miserly that he declares that they are going to have a nice home soon and she isn't allowed to come in. Well, take a moment and think about Christ's work. Did He only heal, feed, comfort rich, clean and nice smelling people? Is the church suppose to be only for the socially accepted, pretty, popular people in society? No. On all accounts. We are called to give of ourselves. This life isn't meant to be devoid of discomfort. In fact, we are meant to walk outside our comfort zones and help people. It's called sacrifice. You see, Jesus HUNG ON A CROSS after being BRUTALIZED for YOUR (and everyone's) SINS. The very least you could do, is "suffer" the discomfort of something or someone who doesn't smell all together lovely. You know why? Because all our sin, stinks to high heavens like the worst garbage and sewage to God. But you know what? He still loves us. He still wants us to be in heaven with Him.

Now, it's hard, to do what God wants us to do. I can freely admit, I have been a rather insolent and spoiled brat at times when it comes to realizing God wants me to do something I find uncomfortable. I've whined. But I've done so among other Christians so that I get it off my chest and at the same time, am given a swift kick in the behind so I get off my own pedestal and do what I was called to do. If you don't have friends to do that for you, you might want to consider finding a pastor who actually follows the bible and isn't a pansy about telling his congregation the truth, even if it might cost him numbers in the pews. Because that isn't what the church is suppose to be about. When we are in the wrong, we NEED to be called out. This is evident in the verse :

Revelation 3:15-16 ESV
"'I know your works: you are neither cold nor hot. Would that you were either cold or hot! So, because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth.

In other words, if you are going to be a do nothing, weak Christian who only declares they are followers, when the going is good, but gives up when things get rough, you are not worthy and will be left behind. These are words of warning. You are NOT allowed to be stuck up and pretentious as a Christian!

1 John 3:10 ESV
"By this it is evident who are the children of God, and who are the children of the devil: whoever does not practice righteousness is not of God, nor is the one who does not love his brother."

In other words, you may as well turn in your "I'm a Christian" card if you are incapable of doing the job you were created for. Which is to bring light and love to this world. Did you bother to ask the woman gently if there was anything she needed? Let her know (carefully and lovingly) that she seemed to need her clothing washed? Then quickly offer to DO her laundry for her while she takes a shower?? Did you consider that maybe she lives somewhere where there is no running water? How about that she is actually homeless? Did you ever consider beyond your own precious sensitivities, that this person is in need and is EXACTLY the sort of person Jesus came to relieve the suffering of?

Your husband declaring his decidedly uncaring and ugly opinion on the matter, that she wouldn't be allowed in your new home, is alarming. For a man to be dismissive and devoid of Christ's calling to protect the weak, vulnerable and needy is beyond unacceptable.

Hebrews 13:1-3 ESV
"Let brotherly love continue. Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers, for thereby some have entertained angels unawares. Remember those who are in prison, as though in prison with them, and those who are mistreated, since you also are in the body."



James 2:14-17 ESV
"What good is it, my brothers, if someone says he has faith but does not have works? Can that faith save him? If a brother or sister is poorly clothed and lacking in daily food, and one of you says to them, "Go in peace, be warmed and filled," without giving them the things needed for the body, what good is that? So also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead."

Ezekiel 16:49 ESV
"Behold, this was the guilt of your sister Sodom: she and her daughters had pride, excess of food, and prosperous ease, but did not aid the poor and needy."

James 2:1-26
"... For if a man wearing a gold ring and fine clothing comes into your assembly, and a poor man in shabby clothing also comes in, and if you pay attention to the one who wears the fine clothing and say, "You sit here in a good place," while you say to the poor man, "You stand over there," or, "Sit down at my feet," have you not then made distinctions among yourselves and become judges with evil thoughts? Listen, my beloved brothers, has not God chosen those who are poor in the world to be rich in faith and heirs of the kingdom, which he has promised to those who love him?"

So, in closing, I want you to think hard about the ugliness you just shared with the world. I want you to ponder, how many people you turned away from the saving grace of Jesus and righteously walked to the door of hell by spewing in a public forum. Because who would want to even be friends with someone declaring to be a Christian, but is so self centered, selfish and stuck up? Who would even bother with going to church if it's filled with such pretentious prigs? I wouldn't. In fact, if that is what was being encouraged in a church I was going to, I would leave. Because it would be encouraging a false religion that is contrary to what the is in the bible and mandated by God.

Here is a parting thought, by most of the world now, thanks to "Christians" like you and your husband:

"I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."
-- Mahatma Gandhi

PS
When I emailed you to ask you to remove your hurtful post (which I see you did, thank you)
I found it alarming that your response to me was that you didn't do anything wrong and that if I emailed you again, you would tell your law enforcement husband. For someone in the "serve and protect" business to be unwilling to help people in need is indeed a disturbing thing.

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If you want to "be the change you wish to see in the world", consider taking a pledge to do small acts of kindness for those who are in need. Whether it be a need that is physical, emotional or spiritual, be the hands and feet of Jesus. Be a true representation of our Heavenly Father in this broken and dark world. We are called to be salt and light (Matthew 5:13-16). This is a fun page where you can take a pledge to do kindness in this world:

Being Kind: Take the Pledge

Finally Speaking Out

I am discussing something, that I never thought I would. Something that happened a long time ago, but has affected my entire life. This isn't for sympathy, or a perverse need for attention. I'm speaking out for the many who may have their own story, swept under the rug, ignored, or invalidated.

I was 5 years old. My memory is shaky of that time spent with another family. I remember it in bursts. If I try to remember what that time was like, I will get flashes, and then blank spots.

The kids were a little older than me and my brother. The daughter was 7 years old (I'll call her "T" from here on out). I looked up to her. She was fun and wild. I don't remember a lot about the mother. I remember her being around, but not as much as the father. He was very different from my dad. He was very affectionate. He liked to hug a lot. Especially T.

I remember going to the grocery store with their family and their mom went inside while we stayed in the car. He got out and got us gum from the gum machine outside the store. We were trying to blow bubbles, and they were playing a game I had never played before. We were suppose to pass the gum back and forth to each other, with our mouths. I watched them, T, her dad and her brother, play this game with a sort of uncomfortable fascination. Then, her father asked me if I wanted to play too. I felt weird, and embarrassed and said no. T kept wanting me to play, even grabbing my face and pressing her lips against mine to try and get me to play and I pulled away. Her father laughed and said, that I was missing out. Then he and T put their mouths together and I now know what was happening was french kissing, until he pulled away with her gum and showed us by sticking his tongue out at us with the gum perched on the end.

I remember one of the nights she spent the night. We played a game where, I would pose and she would take my picture. Like we were models. Then, she would tell me to pull up my night dress, so she could take pictures of my underwear. She taught me how to pose "sexy". Which at age 5, is kind of a mystery. It involved putting my hand on my hip, sticking my hip out, and opening my mouth, "So I can see your tongue." she would say. She would then pose for me pretending to take her picture. Some of the poses she made, were embarrassing, but I played along. Then, it was time for bed, and things would get very confusing.

She would tell me that her father told her to take her underwear off and put it under her pillow and "wait for him". So, she would do that, and tell me to do the same. Then she would proceed to do things to me. Stuff her father did to her. I remember her being surprised that my dad didn't do that to me too. This sort of ritual was repeated at a slumber party where we stayed with a mutual friend and two other girls. Only, some of the things done, I remember now, were more disturbing.

My parents didn't know. How could they? It was a different time then, and it wasn't done in the open. She nor her father were careless. I know, if my parents had known, they would have swiftly protected me and done everything to save T and any future victims from her father. But at 5 years old, I didn't know how to say what happened. I didn't know I needed to tell. T tried at one point, but her mother didn't react well and she was forever silenced.

How did all this affect my life? Well, I struggled with nightmares, that I sometimes still have today. Not very often, but when I am struggling spiritually, they come. I look back and realize how provocative I was at a young age. I acted out once on another child when I was 7 years old. Something I'm ashamed of still. As I got older, I put myself in dangerous situations with older men. I would do things for their attention that I am ashamed of. I don't think some of the things I did, would have happened, if I hadn't been sexualized at a young age. Any time the news reports, yet another repeat offending pedophile, adding another victim to the list of children they raped/molested, I feel sick. I want to kill anyone who has violated a child. Not all victims become perpetrators, but acting out is very common. So I struggle with being suspicious of the intent of children. I am overly protective sometimes of my kids, I'm sure. But if anyone were to harm my kids like that, I can promise you that they would pay dearly and I am willing to do time for getting them justice.

It doesn't matter how old the perpetrator is. It doesn't matter what gender they were. We have no right to quantify the extent of trauma based on some predetermined guidelines. When you are sexually exploited, it IS abuse! Do NOT ever discount, rationalize or diminish a child's claim of abuse. This holds true, for the countless adults who are living with memories of abuse. The extent of the abuse is not what makes it valid. If it happened at all, IT MATTERS.

 
Now, I have to recognize, that while I am not "better", a lot of the bad feelings have lightened and that is because of my relationship with Jesus Christ. It's a process. When the nightmares come, or I feel panicky over a memory or trigger, I pray for His protection. For healing and grace. I am a work in progress and I have bad days. However, when I sing hymns and talk to Him, I feel at peace again and for a time, I find freedom. If you struggle with memories of abuse, you are not alone and there is freedom from the pain and heartache. Call on Jesus. Ask Him to come into your heart and take away the darkness. You will begin a healing that no doctor, fling, pill or drink can cure.

For More Information:
What Is Child On Child Sexual Abuse?
"... more than one-third of the sexual abuse of America's children is committed by other minors."
-- 2012 crime statistics