It Ends Here

So, despite everything I've done:

• nursing every two hours
• pumping after every nursing session
• taking fenugreek, blessed thistle, lecithin, brewer's yeast, mother's milk tea
• eating oatmeal in every form imaginable
• implemented breast compression
• tried every baby hold on to get him to latch

Nothing. Absolutely nothing. My milk diminishes every day despite everything I've done and I am so over it now. Formula is so (insert expletive here) expensive and inadequate, it's killing me to have to go to it. I have two other boys that I haven't been as there for because all I do is THIS in an attempt to find success in breast feeding, who need me. I have stress up to my eyeballs, financially thanks to the IRS and stupid mistakes I made with credit cards. I just can't deal with it anymore.

To top it all off, I started thinking about how much I prayed and had faith that God had His hand in our lives and was steering us in the right direction. Yet, with all the prayer and trying to do what He wanted, I see, we don't have anything. Our life wouldn't be any different, if I hadn't wasted all those tears and hours, every day praying for God to just show us the way and see to maybe throwing us a bone from time to time. Well, what has that gotten me? False hope. I feel like a fool in front of my husband, because for so long, I would tell him, "Well, God has something better. That's why that didn't work out. Let's just shake off the disappointment and keep praying and following Him." To what? Nothing. Nothing better has ever come. We've come within touching distance of a dream we had spent years praying for, it looks like God's hand has been in everything leading up to the final moment.... and it is snatched away. Feels like a great cosmic punk. So, I had a talk, with whatever entity we were swearing fealty to for so long (if there even IS one) and told him, her, or it that I was done. Out. I have officially had my fill of God. What has He done for me? Was there any response? No. Was I surprised? I guess I was hoping that finally, I would hear that audible voice telling me that it would all be okay and to not be troubled. But no. Silence. That was my answer. Either there is nothing up there to respond, or the great spirit in the sky could care less.

Let's recount... I was diagnosed with type I diabetes. I prayed, throwing myself on the alter night after night at church, begging for God to heal me. Nothing. Then, with my marriage came dealing with the ugly IRS who now, is perched, about to take everything from us. My first born was ill and created this ugly strife between me and some family who stomped the crap out of my self esteem and joy despite how hard I worked (with all my kids) to ensure his health. My second child is diagnosed with type I diabetes at three years old. We move, thinking we are following God's will for where he wanted us. It seems like a blessing, then when we are about to buy a house, the IRS jumps up and slaps our credit into oblivion (I don't think it is repairable now). No house. The money quickly dwindles away. We have been trying to sell our property for years, and get to the point where we are about to sign and have money in our hands, and the buyer drops the deal. My third son, gets reflux and refuses to nurse. Refuses me completely. I feel dejected and abandoned. I have prayed my last prayer. I pray and pray and spout faith and keep turning to Him, and I get nothing. Something, anything, no matter how small, HAS to happen for us. Something finally good. Right? Right.

So, my faith, along with my milk has officially dried up. I just do not have the emotional capacity for it anymore. It would have to be a big sign at this point, to make me believe, that all that time was worth it. That someone out there really does have the best of intentions for us. At the moment, I think everything we actually did receive, was only due to our sweat and tears. Not prayer. Hey, maybe some time will go by and I will see a sign and realize I was wrong. Then again, pigs may fly. If I am struck down by lightning now, I can only imagine it to be the most extreme coincidence ever.

Banana Applesauce Raisin Muffins

Thank goodness for great neighbors! Having an excess of quickly ripening bananas, our neighbors blessed us with two grocery sacks full of bananas. So, I made the following muffins, then froze the rest. Half whole, and the other half sliced up for smoothies. Next on the agenda is to make a Banana Bread for Nursing Moms recipe that I found online. Of course, I love to alter recipes, so we'll see what I can tweak to make it better. Then, I'll let you be the judge. Well, enjoy these great-tasting healthy muffins with banana, applesauce and raisins. Freeze well for a quick breakfast or snack!

Makes 30 muffins

Time:

40 min

15 min prep

Ingredients

1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
2 cups whole wheat flour
2/3 cup rolled oat
1/2 cup oat bran
4 teaspoons baking powder
2 teaspoons baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
4 teaspoons cinnamon
2 teaspoons ground ginger
1 teaspoon nutmeg
1 teaspoon allspice
3 ripe bananas, mashed
1 cup applesauce
1/2 cup olive oil
4 eggs, lightly beaten
1 cup granulated sugar
1/2 cup packed brown sugar
1 cup chopped walnuts, toasted

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.
2. Grease or line muffin tins with paper liners.
3. Combine flours, bran, oats, baking powder, spices, baking soda and salt in a medium bowl.
4. Using whisk or spoon, stir until well mixed.
5. Combine remaining ingredients (except nuts) in a large mixing bowl; beat until smooth.
6. Gradually beat in flour mixture.
7. Beat just until combined.
8. Spoon into prepared pans or tins (fill cups until just about full).
9. Bake for 25 to 30 minutes, until toothpick inserted in the middle of the muffin comes out clean.
10. Remove muffins from pan and cool on wire rack as soon as they come out of the oven.

The Heartache of Nursing

I know all the benefits. I have all the facts. I love the act itself for all it's loving closeness. I mourn that it has never been easy.

With my first son, it was a horrible experience. He was extremely collicky, which we later found out was a treatable reflux condition (if we had decent doctors to diagnose it at the time!). I was only able to nurse him for 5mos. but it was 5mos of torture. My second I was able to almost reclaim nursing, but had such a bad taste in my mouth from the struggle and emotional distress I was in (loooong story!) at the time, I didn't try to maintain it and only nursed for 7mos.

Now, I am nursing again and having a new set of issues to deal with. We were able to get medicine for Lachlan for reflux, but he has a slight aversion to the breast now, because of the pain association. So, I am trying to woo him back, struggling to maintain my supply. He will nurse from one side now, not the other. I hate having to do it, but I am supplementing. I pump like crazy all the time, get a few ounces and add it to a small amount of formula to give by bottle (arg!). This has been a touch and go issue for me, because I don't want him to grow dependent on or expect a bottle. So, I am researching everything on increasing my supply and hoping to find someone who will let me borrow their hospital grade pump (cannot afford to buy or rent at this time). This research has led me to all kinds of wonderful resources on herbs, foods and practices that will bring my supply rapidly upward. I wanted to share them with you so if anyone needed the info, they could find it here.

To kick off the share session, I would like to present a recipe I played with and altered from an online lactation cookie recipe I found. It has essential components that are purported to be galactagogues. So, here it is:

Mama Mia Milk Cookies

Ingredients:

1/2 cup butter*

3/4 cup coconut oil

1/2 cup granulated sugar

1/2 cup firmly packed light brown sugar

4 tbsp water

2 tbsp flax seed meal (I used Bob's Red Mill)

2 eggs
1 tsp vanilla
1 tsp almond
1/2 cup AP flour
1/2 cup buckwheat flour
1/4 cup almond meal flour
1/2 cup whole wheat flour
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp salt
2-4 tbsp brewer's yeast (I used 4 tbsp)
8 capsules of fenugreek (vitamin capsules opened up, discard the capsule)**
3 cups rolled oats (not quick oats)
1 cup chocolate chips
1 cup craisins

* I realize now, that I could have completely omitted the butter all together, but wasn't sure of the outcome. Next time, I will.


** this was a last minute idea that was such a good one!

Instructions:
Preheat oven to 350F. Line cookie sheets with parchment paper.

In a small bowl, mix flax seed meal and water and let sit for 5 minutes. In a large bowl, sift the flours, baking soda, salt and brewer's yeast and set aside.

In a stand mixer, fitted with a flat beater, combine the butter and coconut oil, brown sugar and granulated sugar. Add eggs, mixing well after each one. Add flax seed meal and vanilla and almond, and fenugreek. Mix well. Slowly add flour mixture to the butter mixture. Stir in oats. Fold in chocolate chips and craisins.

Scoop rounded tablespoons onto prepared baking sheets. Bake for 12-15 minutes. Let sit on baking sheet for a few minutes before removing to wire racks to cool completely.

ENJOY!

Fire Roasted Tomato Basil Soup

Absolutely delicious and surprisingly easy. Takes about an hour to complete from start to finish. I served this with grilled cheese sandwiches on the Sun Dried Tomato Basil Pesto Bread from the day before and it was hands down, the most wonderful dinner meal.

Ingredients

3 (14 oz) cans of hunt’s fire roasted tomatoes
(I used Hunt's diced fire roasted tomatoes w/garlic)

6 garlic cloves (chopped)

1 yellow onion (diced)

2 cups chicken stock

1/2 cup half and half

2 oz olive oil

20 fresh basil leaves (rolled and cut into a chiffonade)

I added the following spices to kick it up a bit. Obviously, add these to your taste:

• mexican oregano
• smoked chipotle pepper
• Mrs Dash garlic herb salt free blend
• dried cilantro

Directions
In a heavy pot on medium high heat, pour in the olive oil and saute onion until translucent. Add the chopped garlic (except for 1 clove) and heat with the onion for about four minutes. Next, add the cans of fire roasted tomatoes including the juice to the pan and cover for about 15 minutes, stirring every few minutes.

With the lid off the pan, add the chicken broth and half & half and bring the pot to a simmer. The mixture should start to thicken as it reduces. This should take about 10 minutes. You want the soup to be somewhat thick. If your soup is a bit thin, let it simmer a bit longer while occasionally stirring. When it comes to the right consistency, add the remaining chopped garlic clove and fresh basil (reserve some for a garnish) and season to taste with salt and pepper, and any of the optional seasonings I listed. Lower your heat to medium and cook for 5 minutes more.

Now it’s time to get out your blender. Unless you went with the diced tomatoes and like it chunky, it isn't necessary but go with how chunky or smooth suites you. With a ladel, place the soup mixture in the blender and puree until smooth. You can do this in batches as well. Please use caution when handling the mixture and blender as it could burn your hand as you press down on the lid. Or just use your immersion blender. Blend mixture until all the big chunks are gone, but do not blend until it is very smooth like a bisque.

Serve with a dollup of sour cream and small sprinkle of the reserved basil as a garnish.